Puppet

Thinking about it makes the emptiness grow
When the feeling will stop, I do not know
Something is dragging me into the night
Strings around me, things I can’t fight
It scares me, why am I not in control
This emptiness reaching my very soul
It moves me, drags me, something I hate
Why are we all just a puppet of fate

mirror mirror on the wall

mirror mirror onthe wall
what is this you show me
why does it make me feel so small
is this how people see me
mirror mirror its not right
I dont know, who is she
I dont understand this sight
mirror, do you know me?

-Knuci

How long can you..

How long can you wait
How much time untill you stray
How long before it’s too late
And there’s nothing more to say
How long will it take
Before this story takes a turn
Was it all for love’s sake
Or will your heart forever burn

-Knuci

Remember who you are

As the clock keeps ticking and people walk by,
we seem to stand still when time will fly,
we make the best out of the life we’re in,
tough we sometimes don’t know where to begin.
The clock ticks on but we’re stuck somehow,
trying to figure out what matters right now,
no answer is given, we have to find out,
sometimes making us just wanting to shout.
There’s nothingness, waiting, even regret,
But who you are, you must never forget.

sad sky

Rain drops fall from the sky
One by one they touch the ground
Why now did the sky start to cry
What was the cause of this painfull sound
This thunder, anger releasing its light
Only to leave darkness behind
I quietly watch it, enduring this night
Trying not to let this anger make me blind

Story

Look into their eyes and see
See their truth, their happiness, their agony
Wonder who they were, they are, they will be
Look at whom they love,at whom they need, at whom they’re angry
For what were their tears, their smiles, their stupidity
Look into their eyes and see
Because everyone has a story

Lost

Going to places there is nothing to find
Standing in places there is nowhere to hide
Watching the clock as it keeps ticking on
Searching for something to grab and hold on
Hiding my face behind the hands that are my own
Only to find my tears, waiting for the unknown
To feel this urge, an urge to break out
Kicking, hitting, running, trying to shout
Even tough no sound comes from my mouth
This sound of pain is already too loud
Look at this person in the mirror, so cold
Lost, aimless, nothing to hold

-Knuci

Eat the fruits of love.

I had waited for my first kiss to be true
I had waited for our full trust to be true
I had waited for my heart to be calmed

I had found my true love, saved my true self

I kept waiting for it to be answered
I kept waiting for it to be acknowledged
I kept waiting for it to be real

The waiting turned to loss,  lost my true self

-Knuci

I keep getting my hopes up, keep having these dreams
Keep having these hopes that all is going to be okay
This way its the worst when it turns out not to
What do you do, when all you hoped for turned out to be scattered
into pieces of memory somewhere behind bars
What do you do, when you cannot accept..?

-Knuci

Thinking about it makes me sad, so I try not to
I try to avoid confrontation, but people keep asking me
I try to leave things behind, but they chase me around
It just makes me sad knowing that I somehow failed
Failed in my attempt to prove myself right
To prove that worlds Can be combined and no prejudices needed
I guess I have been naïve and now have to bear the consequences
I guess it’s time for me to grow up

-Knuci

Haven of Peace

I know where my Haven is. The place of peace.

Time will come, is what I hope for.

That I will visit the place of peace. Our Haven.

Others will never see, will never feel.

They would only envy, they will only envy.

I might know, the way to go. And others may not.

Therefore I will keep connection, and let God decide.

Who to go, and who to stay (in this place).

When the Time comes, there will be no more peace,
in this place. Only troubles, only pain. Only lust.

Let one choose, his way to go. His way to live, way to die.

Live the day, fight the moments.

Day by Day.

I keep going, day by day.

I retrace my steps, and stop to think. I am afraid.

But there is no stopping, no real stop. A full stop. Not yet.

These moments, I wonder whether I can go on. And I wonder.

What is it for. Can I be of use. And I know. I can be of use.

I just have to move, be faster, and persevere.

For All I wanted. Was this. This movement.

Fight with myself

I really try,
I try so hard to live in the now.
But how can I live in the now,
When the future holds no hope.
How can I cherish these moments,
Knowing that they may be the last.
How can I not search for assurance,
When I hear the clock is ticking.
How can I not try to seek a way,
Even if I’d know there isn’t.
How can I not fight with myself,
Knowing I represent the counterpart.
And how can I just sit by and wait,
For them to tear things apart.

I really try,
I try to accept, I truly do.
Even though I feel,
It might push me aside.
Like someone already did to me.
Someone who sets the perfect example.

I try to seek,
I try to seek assurance.
I need my hopes,
Hopes for the future I want.
Because without hopes,
There is no reason to live the now.

I want it back

I guess I knew
I knew that feeling
The feeling that something was about to change
Something would change and it would never change back
The first changes started to shine
People stopped coming and started to ignore
Values and priorities changed
When I was told that it would all be the same again soon
I got my hopes up
But now I know
Things changed and they will never change back
Things will never be the way they were before
I wish they would
I wish they never changed

The way things used to be
The way I liked them to be
How I was used to them
How I became attached to them
When everyone was how they were before
When everything went the way it did
Whatever happened and passed by
Whatever the reason to be there

moments

I love those moments
Those moments of warmth
When you feel protected from bad things
Feeling as if there is nothing that can hurt you
Those moments that give you hope
When you look around and feel loved

I like those moments
Those moments you treasure forever
When you are just having fun
Feeling as if your smile could last forever
Those moments when you don’t have anything to worry about
When you look around and feel truly happy

I fear those moments
Those moments of hopelessness
When you no longer have the power to go on
Feeling as if there is absolutely nothing you can do
Those moments you think about giving up
When you look around and feel nothing

I hate those moments
Those moments you want to forget
When tears keep streaming from your eyes
Feeling as if you have lost everything you cherish
Those moments you think everything works against you
When you look around trying to close your eyes

Image

I had this weird feeling when I saw it
I didn’t pay any attention to it at first
But it started to fill the air
The smell of something I did not understand
Of something I always try to avoid
The smell of people I don’t want to know
Whom I would despise..if it were anyone else

I had this weird feeling when I saw it
I knew about it, noticed it before
But not like this, not to such an extend
The smell of something I hate
Of something that leads to bad things
The smell of people I don’t want to see
Whom I would ignore…if it were anyone else

I watched them do it, every one of them
People I like, but apparently don’t know
once, twice, three..four..five times
I lost my count, couldn’t watch it any longer
They make their own choices, I made mine

I walked away

-Knuci

Friends

What is a friend? A friend, in my opinion, is someone who supports you through good times and through worse. A friend is someone you laugh with, share moments with, and can also lean on when you’re sad. However, most people seem to think that a friend is someone to just be happy with. And when that friend is not that joyfull anymore, that person no longer has any value. There is no reason to ask why that friend is sad or angry. There is no reason to try and support that friend. Humans are selfish. Everything is fine as long as there is something to gain from it. But when a friend doesn’t share happiness anymore, that person should be blamed. “Geez, that person is acting all silence and emo, he/she should have been more happy, its their own fault”.

From the other side, we expect friends to help us when we get sad. When we are down, we want friends to ask us why and to try and help solve any problems. But instead, we get pushed aside, when we no longer share happiness.

I’ve heard this perfect quote once: “when you laugh, the world laughs with you.  When you cry, you cry alone.”

A while back, I defined a cycle:
- joy
- acceptance
- happiness
- loss
- pain
- ignorance
- lonelyness
- strength

Oh well, it was something like that. First you have joy, like, the first day at school. When you smile, people get attracted to you and they accept you. You can become friends, which brings happiness. But there is always a time you lose yourself. Probably because of something that happened. Then comes pain, sometimes more than we can actually handle. Because of that, “friends” see no use in you anymore. Then comes the ignorance, from both sides. People don’t need you anymore and you think you don’t need people anymore. That’s where the strength comes in. You learn to stand on your own, not matter how much pain it takes. Eventually you’re fine again and will start to be more joyful. And then it all starts over.

Now the thing is, I found this group of friends 4 years ago, and I promised myself back then, that I would do anything in my power to stop the cycle at happiness. It lasted for a long time, but now its starting to move on. The feeling I had just a moment ago, was ignorance. Does that mean Im already too far ahead? Not this time. This time, I am not going to give up. I will fight for happiness, turn the cycle around. Because I know, that if it keeps going like this, every round gets worse. More pain, more sadness. If I can turn it around, I might get more acceptance, more happiness.

I feel divided. I expected my friends to help me through hard times, but they didn’t. Nor did they show any effort in asking whats up with me. I’ve been through the cycle before but it’s not quite right anymore. Because this time, this time, someone else is giving me the strength. Not the strength of being able to be alone. No, the strengt of being able to love someone. And to know, that person loves me too. This is the cycle I’m going for:
-strength                     L
-acceptance                O
-happiness                  V
-pain                            E

I am going to fix things, myself, my friendships, I will get the strenght. I will be accepted again and gain some happiness. There will be pain, but then I’ll fix it again. Because this time, this time, Im not alone. I am loved, and extremely gratefull for it. And no mather what people say, I know whats in my heart.
Thank you <3

- Knuci

Moments

I have these moments
these moments I can’t stop
It starts with thinking of something I’m scared of
or of something that hurt me
For just a slight second, a thought like that rushes through my head
Out of nothing
Without me even realising whats happening
My heart starts to hurt
As if it skipped a beat and can’t recover fast enough
And then a tear comes from my eye
I can’t help it, I can’t stop it
I can only try not to think too much
and hope it will go away

I have these moments
these moments I can’t stop
It starts with thinking of something I love,
or of something I cherish
For just a slight second, a thought like that rushes through my head
Out of nothing
Without me even realising whats happening
My heart starts to warm my body
As if it got the strength to put just a little more effort in beating
And then my mouth forms a smile
I can’t help it, I can’t stop it
I can only try to keep these thoughts
and hope it will never go away

-Knuci

Walk-out Urge

Sometimes, I feel so hopeless.
I wonder how one man could have ever convinced so many people.
And I know then, confirming to myself, This man was a real prophet.

To be able to speak to turn people’s hearts with the power of the Almighty one. Thats power. A way to form a vision in one’s heart.

But in these days, I find myself to be frustrated, because of all the ignorance. Thinking to be good believers, and celebrating innovation. Damaging something that is more pure than any form of substance. How can you say that you are following the right path.     ARE YOU MAD. YOU MUST BE.

Convincing people while you are partying with them.
‘I am convinced.’ OF WHAT? You are giving the WRONG example.

The Best (SAW) amongst Us made the most powerful men this world has ever seen. And he made it by always being the perfect example of the perfect conduct.

And you are drinking in the clubs. Partying with girls. Listening to music, that is about nothing else than sex. Playing the instruments of Hell. You must be drugged. Whispers of the whisperer must have run to your heart.

I cant take it. To see the best of the people like this. This drugged.
Sometimes I just want to walk out and say “JUST LEAVE IT”.
YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO CHANGE, BURN IN HELL THEN.

And I feel how my own blood is poisoned, and how I stray,
straying on my own path to victory and falling back.
I beg for mercy & forgiveness. Please give me another day,
just to try again. And with tears in my eyes I lay my head to sleep.

Please stop

Tears keep falling and pain only keeps increasing.
Why, oh why cant you haters just leave us alone.
Since 9/11, only pushing and pushing, closer to the wall.
Already troubled and being pushed to the edge.

Oh Allah, I already want to die because of fears,
and with the end, the fitna increases on us. Oh Allah, help us.

They keep going on, and we have to persevere.
The one we follow was abused and severely hurt many times,
oh why. Why does it have to be this harsh..

To you we pray and while praying to you we will die.
Please have mercy on us, the weak.. your believers.

 

Jealous

Sometimes I just wish I were different
Someone just a bit shorter
Someone a bit more beautifull
Someone with bigger feminine features
Someone just a bit stronger, less emotional
Someone whose eyes actually show something
I keep comparing myself to others,
I keep wanting what they have,
It’s so damn annoying, but I can’t help it
Everytime when someone looks at me
I wonder, how does that person see me
I’ve been stared at so many times
I’ve been laughed at so much
I’ve been hurt, so many times
The times I’m insecure are the worst when
I am faced with people who have it all
And in my opinion that’s as good as everybody but me
The way people have treated me for so long
has left this huge scar on how I see myself
But it’s not their fault
I’m just plain JEALOUS

-Knuci, who else

I did something today
Something I wouldn’t normally do
I liked it, but I know I shouldn’t have done it
It’s like stealing candy as a kid
You want the candy, you like it
But you know you’re not supposed to steal
And when you do, you feel guilty
This thing I did, is different, a lot of people do it
But like stealing I have seen it as bad all this time
And I could not really enjoy my candy
I sortof panicked when I realised what I had done
I don’t want to taste that piece of candy again
Because it didn’t taste as good as when
you would have given it to me

-Knuci

We’ll get through,
I’ll never give up,
I’ll fight for you,
I’ll fight with you
I Am with you

-Knuci

 

Tomorrow

When I wake up tomorrow,
who will I be?
If I feel happy now,
will I be able to smile?
Or will the tears of one day
still be visible the other.
Which face will suit me tomorrow,
which attitude should I take?
What will my eyes reflect if I see
who I am

-Knuci

 

 

Internship Crisis

Fill in, Fill, Come on Fill in!

Demotivation, longs lists, irritation.

Fill it in, and only short listed will be notified.
The rest can just Shuff it off.
Waste of time, do we have any value at all?
Hours of nuisance, and no goals reached,
What are the targets anyway?!

Hinderance here, Hinderance there.
Oh come on, which we are we supposed to go?!

There we go, again and again.

Precious memories, regretable moments, but still not that bad to want to change it. Not even for a minute, I try not to stray. But sometimes I am not able and fail myself, To keep that promise, to show discipline.. and I fail myself for the worse.

But I will keep on trying, to keep that promise, always. I swear, even if thats the last thing I’m going to do. To be truthful, to be honest, to be sincere, and fulfill my duties.

Havent you looked at yourself once in the mirror, seeing only pain and sorrow. Didn’t you want to stop looking because of all the pain and sadness you saw. I feel it, that agony and the grief. The regret of all the things we’ve done and the torment of the future, which we cant seem to stop. But hey, lets stop just there; lets try one more time. And there we go again, going hard against all the fears.

I feel the fear, of not being able to make a difference. But if we stop now, all the efforts were for nothing, and we might as well never tried. Therefore I’m trying.. with sincerity…

are you trying…

are you with me..?

whining

I didnt want to post anything at first, because I was scared of what I might say. I do not want to be weak, but yet that is the way I feel. I act strong among other people, trying not to think too much. Just living day by day, the way I’m supposed to. And now, trying to figure out what to write, so many thoughts cross my mind and another tear flows down my cheek. I am not strong, I just pretend to be. Though that is strong too, being able to pretend.. To put it short, I feel like a mess. I go to school, got a new job, try to do everything I want to. But all I really want is to be as close to him as possible.

Therefore, I tell him when I go to sleep, wake up, go to work, school, regular daily stuff, to keep him updated as much as possible. And all the time, I wonder, what is he doing. He keeps me updated too, even though he is really busy. Sometimes, because he’s so busy, I wonder why he forgot to tell me he woke up. Is it because he didn’t want to wake me, or is it that he forgot about me. The last scares me sometimes. I should know better, and I do.. A stupid mail shouldn’t mean so much to me. But waking up to see Ive crossed his mind..that’s the best wake-up I can possibly have right now.

I shouldn’t be the one complaining. I am not the one who is all alone in a foreign country. I’ve got my family and friends here. That is why I try so hard not to be sad. To think about other things more. But it’s a lost battle anyway. Thinking about him so much is only normal, because I love him. That’s what people do when they’re in love. And I guess, if I were in a foreign country, being busy all the time, maybe I wouldn’t cry as much. Because there would be enough to keep my mind of things. Here, it’s the same old story. But does that mean it is harder for me? I don’t think so. I should be stronger than this.

About a week ago, something happened, that still scares me when I think about it. It was valentine’s day, and I thought I wouldn’t care about that. I convinced myself that valentine’s day is just another day, which it is. Nevertheless, I rushed home from school, had to do some things but did them as fast as possible, ran my lungs out to the bus, just to be able to see him for the day on skype. When I got home, he told me he was very tired, wanting to go to bed. I told him goodnight, but couldn’t help feeling miserable. A bit angry, for not being home on time. But it didn’t get worse until that very evening. I lied down in my bed, not able to sleep, feeling desperately hopeless.

Every morning, I count the days possibly left for him to come back, but I’m not even sure. I counted the days I had already spent without him. I wasn’t even close to the days that are still in front of me. I might not even be on 1/4th of the time. I felt hopeless that night, haven’t felt that hopeless in a long time. The last time is when I thought I had lost him. I wanted to kick, punch, destroy everything around me. I wanted to scream my lungs out. Since it was night, I couldn’t do anything but lay there, in that bed. I felt like a big baby, weak. The more I thought about it, the weaker I got, and since I couldn’t stop thinking, I couldn’t do anything but cry. And normally, when he’d talk to me then, I’d calm down. He did talk to me, he already had to get out of bed. But it didn’t help, because he was in a hurry, and I couldn’t explain myself well enough. The next morning, I got up, started another day, as if nothing happened.

I once again started my old computer today, had to get something off of it, and saw all my old files. I had a Lot of pictures about love. Mostly drawn pictures of two people kissing in romantic places. Nothing perverted. I remember the way I used to feel. I remember how lonely I had been, sitting behind that computer until midnight, getting myself into more trouble than necessary. Saying things to persons I shouldn’t have trusted. Not saying things to people I Should have trusted. I didn’t even trust myself back then. Watching that computer today, I never want to feel like that again. But I can’t help but feel like that sometimes. It is different, because I know he’s with me.. But I miss to actually talk to him, to lie in his arms and hold him tight. To know when he’s awake, and hear everything about his day.

Thoughts keep rushing through my head. I’m angry now, mostly, for actually writing this. Talking about feelings through the Internet is not the best way. The person on the other side always takes something the wrong way, the way it wasn’t meant. I’m still hesitating about whether I am going to post this or not. It’s all complains and whining and self-compassion. There’s not coming out much now anyway. I’m once again not able to keep my tears in. It annoys me.

I do have faith, in us. I know it will be alright. But at the moment, for the next couple of months, I can’t help to feel alone. I thought it would fade by time, this feeling of being alone. I thought I’d get used to it. But the longer I haven’t seen him, the worse it gets. Because I can’t get help but miss him more, every single day. But I’ll have to, live this, day by day. And I’ll keep updating him. I’ll let him know I’m still here for him. There’s nothing else I can do. I’m powerless.

-Knuci

Fight only for the Virtue

I am here, for real now. Alone, really, Alone. Physically, mentally, standing at the foot of the mountain. This mountain, it represents me, my potential according to my own view.

I feel uncertain, for a bit. But I try to keep focused, swaying from left to right. And I know, I always asked for this opportunity. And know, that my heart oblitarates, when I think of the future; and what could go wrong, and what may go wrong.

These steps, which separate us, definitely. Physically, only that. We are making progress but the current is hard to find as rain wipes away our footprints.

The one thing I know that fills me completely with assurance, is exactly what I pull closer. I do not give in, never listen to the whisper of the whisperer. Because he will surely lead me astray. And I stand in the frontline, because that is the place I want to be, even though I stand alone. If I don’t follow my purpose of Life, my life has no value and I want to be pulled out of this system.

Even if I would die at this moment, I would only say ” That there is no God but Allah, and Muhammed is his Prophet”.

I will never surrender, not to the whisperer nor his followers, and I will always scream and whine for the innocent. Because I am a Jihadist on Jihad. And if my Life is not for Allah, then there is no one who will be able to receive it. Because I am fighting, Fighting only for the Virtue.

Powerless

When there is absolutely nothing you can do
When you think of all the possibilities in your head,
but none of those can make a difference
You can run, or fight, or flee
But what is meant to happen,
whether it’s good or bad,
Will happen eventually
And there is nothing you can do about it

-Knuci

Ameliorate!

We all do it at some point, when we are little or grown up. We all do it. Draft up our own world, in mind, scribbling and sketching all the details to make it work. To satisfy our needs and wants, some of which that are just not possible in this world. But also some of which we do not have the courage for, to strive and achieve them in life itself.

During our teenage time, sometimes when we are older. Some get stuck in this created world, because our true world seems too painful. Some lose sanity, some stay halfway.

We admit to be broken. Not able to perform. A flawed person perhaps.

But broken, what is the definition of broken.
Crushed,  fractured or rather incomplete.

My deathwish.

Whenever I think about the end, my end, my thoughts go out to my purpose. Do you have a purpose? I am sure I have one. Positive.|

When I am gone, mentally and spiritually. I would like to fade away physically as soon as possible. If not immediately. As my body holds memories of my life. Wanting to be erased.|

And when I die, taking in my last breath. I would like to be assured that my grave will not be, more than ordinary. Will not be special, in any way. Will not be rememorizing.|

A blanket. Just a blanket, putting my identity into shades, into garments. And let me rest, do not wake me any more. As I will be free.|

(And before the time comes, that my body will carry my soul once more,
Let me fade from all hearts in order to cut all ties with this world.)

Everybody has a story,
Everybody has had their moments,
From the moment of birth it begins,
Untill the moment the eyes are shut forever,
Storys that fade, that have never been told,
Storys of importance, of a distant past,
But no one can actually make them last.

-Knuci
I won’t forget you

Stop discrimination

I don’t like it
The way people think.
The way everybody thinks to be better than others.
I can’t stand it.
The way people talk.
The way everybody talks harm about others.
I despise it.
The way people judge.
The way people judge others on looks, origin, gender or religion.
I hate it.
The way people act.
The way people act as if they know it all.
I just don’t get it.
The way I see it
We’re all just humans, am I wrong?

-Knuci

Dark eyes

My eyes are dark, so dark, almost black
Some people think they show joy or happiness
Some think they show pain or sadness
But it’s none of that
The eyes themselve don’t show anything
It’s just a pile of black darkness
People only see what they want to see,
what they expect to see,
But if you look really good
You can see that slight shimmer of light
Watching you

-Knuci

Break free

This jail. Have you ever felt it, the jail?
a “brick” tightened around each your legs, making it hard to move.
While you walk and walk, road by road.
The brick stays in put, stays on its place.
It never breaks, it never fades.

As we keep on walking our roads,
the bricks walk with us, never losing their grip.
We grow tired, they do not.
We grow old, they do not.

Nothing affects them, Nothing phases them.
They never leave us, they never abondon us.
Not until our heart completely stops and never ticks again.
Only then will they disappear.

And reappear only when our hearts tick again.

Hatred

Sometimes, I feel alone. A Loneliness which cannot be cured.
A disease, a disorder. But somehow alternative awareness.

There are things wrong with this world, and the masses are lied to,
they are put down, in their ‘free lives’, in their illusion of personal opinion.

Human rights, Human lifes, all sold to the highest bidder.
People with the right amounts paying to turn this earth their own route. To their own salvation, to their own idiocracy.

Living, it has become something so organized, it is almost machinery.
Working, studying, even dying seems to be scheduled.

I have pity for the masses, which will never know and always try,
meaninglessly trying to enjoy their lives. Because they know not of the spiral, which regulates their lives.

And when you start to see, you too will feel this hatred.
This hatred to the highest bidder, the timed consumer, the timed winner, the timed possessor.

My world

I had my world
My own world,
Where I was special,
A world with people I knew,
Some of them friends
Some of them “enemies”
Where I would talk to them,
But mostly…fight them

I realize now,
It wasnt the others I fought,
It was only an image I created,
For I was actually fighting…myself,
And most of the times, I lost

I got out
I dont go to that world a lot anymore
I dont need it anymore
I dont need to fight myself or anyone else
The time has come where I have to face reality
Where I have to see the real world with everything
and everyone in it

Thanks for getting me out of there<3

-Knuci

Have to learn, have to achieve
No time to slack off, have to  move on
Being pushed, being made, for future’s sake
Have to work, have to earn
No time to  fail, have to keep going
Time limit, deadline, have to reach
Then when Im done..
Time for fun

-Knuci

Acceptance

Accept the way you are
Accept the things that happened
Accept the future, the past, the now
Accept what you see and what you can’t
Accept pain, loss
Accept happiness, gain
Accept the truth, accept the facts
Accept trouble, accept harm
Accept others, accept races
Accept believe, accept justice
Accept the rules, accept ignorance
Accept sorrow, accept misses

But also accept,
I’m only human

-Knuci

Boat

So many dreams
One in particular
Got my attention

I was an adult, doing groceries
I saw a boat, a really big one
I remembered you telling me about it
even though you didn’t really..

The boat was about to float away
I dropped my groceries
grabbed a piece of wood
and surfed to where the boat took of
I jumped as far as I could
Trying to get the railing
But I fell in the water

People were staring at me
I was wet and feeling stupid
I wanted to get on the boat
I wanted to be on the boat
It felt like I had failed some task
I looked at the boat floating away

But then I turned around
I realised that moment
I was trying to be somewhere
I didnt belong in the first place
I grabbed my groceries
and started walking back
Knowing, you were ok with it
And you were waiting
for me, at home

-Knuci

Laylatul Qadr

1. In the name of Allah, The beneficent, The Merciful.
Have Mercy on my Soul, Dear God.

2. Forgive me for my lusts.
3. Forgive me for my indiscipline.
4. Forgive me for my ignorance.
5. Forgive me for the sins I have committed,
conscious and unconscious

6. Help me stay on the true path.
7. Help me raise my Deen and Imaan.
8. Help me reach my targets and goals.
9. Help me with my insecurities.
10. Help me in becoming a true leader.

11. Have mercy on my Family.
12. Have mercy on my beloved one.
13. Have mercy on my friends.
14. Have mercy on all the Muslims.
15. Have mercy on the Muslims that have died.
16. Have mercy on those who are going to find the path.

17. Fulfill the needs of all the Muslims.
18. Forgive our brothers and sisters for their mistakes,
19. Bring the smell of the Jenna in the grave of our siblings,
20. Let them not suffer and rest at ease.
21. Let them be blessed and reward them the Jenna.
22. Reward all of us the Jenna.

23. Enlighten more people with your grace,
24. Let those in despair find your place.
25. Let our deaths be not in vain.

Tonight

One of the last nights of this month. Today was a special night. The Hafiz, who always guides us through prayer, finished the holy Qur’an today. His unbreakable voice was trembling at the last pages of the Holy Scripture. Many of us know these last pages at heart. But that is nothing compared to the knowledge that the Hafiz has, He knows the whole Scripture by heart and has recited every night for us, to finish it, night by night, all for this specific night. This possible night, one of the last ones of Ramadan, is the night that our destiny may be written.

In this night our leader, the Hafiz, finished the Qur’an. I have heard his voice for at least 40 hours now, in all the nights I have prayed, with all the other Muslims behind him. In all these hours, his voice did not tremble. Not even for a second. But the last pages, which were very simple and easiest to understand, made him cry this night. At the third last page, his voice began trembling and he truly began crying when reciting the last page. And I cried with him. And so did dozens of fellow Muslims as well. As we understood his pain and agony.

Knowing that this month is almost over. That all these fellow brothers will not stand behind him for a whole year as a true union. The uncertainty if we are going to live a whole year to witness this again next year. The fear that we may never hear this recitation again. Roughly 600 pages of recitation. A true journey it has been. A Journey not able to capture in words.

A no such perfect world

A world
Where greed and jealousy don’t play a role
And where there’s still a bit control
So humanity won’t become mad
With the freedom it has never had

A world
Where everyone lives side by side
Where no one ever has to hide
Where there’s no definition for the word ‘war’
And there’s pride for how we’ve come so far

A world
Without racism and discrimination
And where there’s freedom in every nation
To be and act as you want to
And do what things you have to do

A world
We humans will never get
Because right now our minds are set
Egocentric, power, arrogance and more
Where evil doings have become it’s core

A world
More like a fairytale
And slowly I began to inhale
The air of the world I’m in this time
Tastes nothing like the world in my rhyme

-Knuci

Move on

The past has already been
With all the pain that you’ve seen
But the future is not even here yet
So don’t get stuck with any regret

Fix the mistakes you’ve made till now
While it’s not too late somehow
When they’re not broken beyond repair
And make your life a bit more fair

The now is where we have to be
Embrace all the happiness you see
And when you’re still stuck in the past
Move on now, don’t make your pain last

My words of advice as simple as that
Use them whenever you are sad
And when you think of things gone wrong
Remember, happiness was there all along

-Knuci

Poem I wrote a while ago

When the rain falls and the sun is shining,
when its cold outside and the newborns whining,
trying to make sense of the world they’re in,
having no idea of the meaning of sin,
the fragile state of their childish mind,
making them a little blind,
they will find out when they grow up.

When the rain falls and the sun is shining,
when its cold outside and the kids are crying,
toys, candy, screaming, stuff like that,
is yet the only reason they get sad,
tears come down from behind their eyes,
though they dont know where the real problem lies,
they will find out when they grow up.

When the rain falls and the sun is shining,
when its cold outside and the teens are climbing,
knowing that they’re stuck somehow,
school and friends, they take a bow,
to those things they think will last forever,
even though that’s not very clever,
they will find out when they grow up.

When the rain falls and the sun is shining,
when its cold outside and the adults are trying,
to make the very best out of their life,
after they’ve taken their big dive,
into something big they call the world,
they’re stuck in there, from inside they’re curled,
they will find out when they grow up.

When the rain falls and the sun is shining,
when its cold outside and the elders are sighing,
trying to figure out their way,
why they are bound to stay,
in the state of age they’re in, so old,
even now realising the cold,
they will find out when they grow up.

When it’s just like it has always been
when you’ve thought back of all you’ve seen
when you no longer have to bother
when all you have is you, no other
no cold, no sun, no rain,
when everything has become so vain
it suddenly will seem so clear

you’ve never grown up.

-Knuci

- David Rockefeller
- Bilderberg Group
- Operation False flag
- Tim Osman
- Bin laden en Bush ties
- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CIA-Osama_bin_Laden_controversy

Sept 13th 2001 – George W Bush
“The most important thing is for us to find Osama Bin Laden,
Its our number one priority and we will not rest until we find him”.

March 13th 2002 - George W Bush
“I dont know where he is, I have no idea and I dont really care.
Its not that important, its not our priority.”

Stranger

Strangers, In the end its what we should be.
We should not stray from our purpose,
because everything will always hurt us otherwise.

These tears drop down only, when you try to combine.
You think you can have both, the dunya and the akhira.
You think you can be efficient. But you too will be,
amongst the losers.

Truth

I believe you will believe.
That might be the reason why I have hope for you.
Oh you, the one who will be truthful one day.

It is almost like knowing, my gut feeling.
All my pleads are to awaken it before pain makes you,
a more bitter person, a person who has suffered,
like me, and become a more hateful person(than you are).

But the truth is, I cannot make a difference.
As like the many times proven to me that we have no power,
Some of us see and try to help others.
But themselves know not, that is why help is never wanted.
That is why I will submit, forgive me, and cease my actions.

The difference between you and me is as time could not cover;
And in the worst case, enlightment will not come across your path,
and you might be amongst the losers. Because thirst is the reason
why we drink (truth).

Oh you, who is alone. Oh you, who is naive.
Oh you, who is hypocritical. Oh you who is sceptical.

Can’t always stop my tears
Can’t always stop my pain
Can’t always stop the screams
It’s only human, I’m just human
Could think about all the bad scenarios
about all the bad things
But Can’t stop laughing either
Can’t stop smiling sometimes
Can’t stop loving so much
It’s only human, I’m just human
Could think about all the good scenarios
about all the good things

And so I will
You made me realize so
Enjoy with me

-Knuci

Life’s not easy, not for anyone
Everyone has his problems, everyone has his faults
But not everyone handles them the same way
There is a reason some people end lonely
There is a reason some people end in mental pain
It is because of the choices they’ve made
The wrong decisions that came in their minds
If they would’ve seen the future, it all might have turned out better
But the future is yet to come
I too, wish I could see it, what would become of me
Why am I making these efforts, when everything might fall apart?
Because the decisions I’ve made, turned me into the person I am today
I did what felt the right thing to do in the past, even though I too have made mistakes
And I will continue doing what I think is right
And what I think of as right at this moment, right now, right here
Is to stay who I am, to believe what I believe and to find my right path
And I hope that in the future, it will all be accepted
And that I won’t have to face my regrets over and over again
And that I won’t live like someone I’m not
And still be with you,always

-Knuci

A dream

Last night, I had a dream. Vivid, a first time happening.
Someone I knew who is currently living. Dying.
His time was up, and he had to go.
No stopping it, no way of stopping it.

When it will be his time to go, have mercy on his Soul.

My end

When I think about it, I wonder what God has in store for me,
how He will He write my ending, will it be glorious, will it be normal,
or will I be amongst the losers. As I too, have sinned.

But what I am sure of is that I want to have a sober ending,
I do not specifically want to be buried in a coffin,
a white blanket would be fine as well.
I would like my grave to be nothing special,
so that I can rest in peace.

If one would miss me, I would like them to pray for me,
and in their prayers think of me, but not specifically come visit me,
it is not necessary for me. I would like to be forgotten by this world,
as when I am gone, my game is over.

And I would end my words with the words of my Lord.
“That there is only one god and his messenger is Muhammed s.a.w.”

Purpose

In life, what is your purpose?
To gain knowledge, to receive money for your services.
To be loved, by many and by one. To be well respected.
To attend parties and socialize. To have a good time.
As long as it fun, as long as it is ‘Gezellig’.

Life, is it something that goes by like that. Should it pass like that.
In life, we have a lot of time, but it somehow always seems so little.
All kinds of obligations. But these obligations, are they really usefull.
Obliged to be wealthy, to be envied.

You who are alone, seemingly in pain.
Are you powerless of your situation.
What is your purpose. Is your purpose to be with me?
Is that your purpose in life?
If so, when my life ends, what will be yours,
to do and achieve in this life. Think, realize, and know.
And act accordingly. And know I have no power, and am restricted.
Seek for the path, the path that I walk.

You who are with me, seemingly in distress.
Are you able to take control.
What is your purpose. Is your purpose to be with me?
Is that your purpose in life? If so, when my life ends,
what will be yours, to do and achieve in this life.
What can be achieved in this life, that will not be forgotten,
by the sands of time, by the minds of people.
Can you not see, What I see. Eventually you will is what I hope.
Because not much in this life, in this world has value, true value.
There is not much in this world that is really, really “Nuttig”.

Soon, very soon. I will show you my path, beginning till now.
What I found, what I realized. Because the me of now,
has no fear anymore of something worldly.
There is nothing I cannot overcome with this force beside me.
I can stand alone, without being it, really. Truthfully.

And I have love for all mankind, true love. Infatuation.
The person that was used to be drowned alive in wrath and hate.

A gift

Your body is yours for the time being. It is a gift.
A gift from God, Nature or even your mother.
It is what you believe, or want to believe.
The truth is that this body was given to you,
as a gift, to be lent, which we will be returned in time.

And when you lend something from somebody,
do you not take care of it,  do you not try to caress it.

In consideration, this would mean we should not take actions,
which harm our gift. This way it speaks for itself, that we should not,
burn our body (by smoking) or poison it (with alcohol).

In fact, we should maintain its beauty.
We should give it back, as it was given to us!
Exercise, eat healthy, and live happily and disciplined.
Is it not natural.
To threat a gift in the proper way?

Because I love you

I want to be with you
I want to hug you
I want to cry with you
I want to show you
I want to support you
I want to know you
I want to talk to you
I want to listen to you
I want to see you
I want to teach you
I want to make you laugh
I want to see your smile
I want to kiss you
I want you

-Knuci (this list is still unfinished, will be continued)

(Simple) Concept of God

In the name of God the Beneficent the Merciful

In Islam, Christianity, Judaism,

God is not a male nor female.
God is not a person, nor an animal nor any other kind of form.
God created the heavens and the earth. God created the Universe.
This also means God created the sun.
The earth circles around the sun, and this way we have night and day.
This is why we have a phenomenon called time.
This means God has also created time(the night and the day).

God is absolute, is objective is righteous.
He knows truly what is good and what is wrong.
As we humans are always subjective and influenced
by our own lifestyles, experiences, traumas and misc.
As God is timeless, There are no surprises for God,
He knows all, the past,future and the now.
God sees all, and to God, nothing can be held a secret.
As God is everywhere and watches over us all.

*PS: God is not humanly, he has no gender, but out of respect
we should refer to him as male form. Because calling him ‘ It’
goes without proper respect. God the Beneficent, the Merciful.

So much more to say

I went to work today
And I just couldnt stop wondering, I couldn’t stop thinking or worrying. It was about God. Second after second, thoughts rushed through my mind.

How will I be judged when I am dead and there is indeed a God judging me. I have never killed, never shown too much of myself out on the streets, I have always tried to be fair to everyone else. But believers consider me a disbeliever. Is it because they do better things than me? Will you God, because I am a so-called disbeliever, will you show me hell? Even when I have done nothing wrong? Or will you have mercy on my soul and point me heaven. Then is it ok for me to live the way I live? Will you be fair to me. Will your justice be what I expect. Or is it justified to let everyone who doesn’t believe in you suffer in the underworld.

If I were to become a believer, what would become of my family. Will I be seperated from them? Will my beloved, from whom I know she was a really good person, will she be waiting for us in heaven? Or is she in a place she doesnt belong because she was also a disbeliever. I just cannot believe it works that way. I just cannot believe God would judge us that way. It would be so unfair. But who am I to say whether something is fair or not. I am not a God. But I do believe, that if you really are there with us, you would not judge that way..because I will not leave my family behind.

Life is a test isnt it. Then what about the children who live with a desease and die at such young ages. Do they not deserve a chance to prove themselves. What if they where born with disbelieve, would it already be to late for them? Once again, how is that fair.

For the Romans, there was heaven, hell, or something inbetween. If that is where my family will be waiting for me, than Id rather be inbetween than in heaven. Heaven was according to them, for the heros. Hell for the murderers. Normal people inbetween. I do not consider myself a hero nor a murderer. The world inbetween was where souls just were what they were, no emotions, just nothingness. There sounds nothing wrong with that.

I respect those who live by the holy books. I envy them, for they believe so much. I will read them all someday, to understand, to know the people around me who are believers. But I, I have to know, for myself. At this point I believe, there is no reason to truly believe. I wish there was. I wish I would. But maybe I wish for the wrong reasons..I am not afraid of death, because I know, Im not such a bad person, like murderers, to deserve hell..But if that is what comes upon me on judgement day,
then I will know, and I will have to accept.

God, if you are there, if you know my thoughts, if I couldn’t be more wrong, then destroy it, crush me now, before its too late, before I lose it all. I live with love and hope and if that is not good enough, if that will break me up, if I really need to change to live up to your expectations,
then Im sorry to be born me..

-Knuci

Just Pray.

Whenever you feel anxious, or when you are desperate.
There is no way out, nowhere to go. Life is so fragile.
Whenever you think you might be losing it, or someone.
Or when you thought you had already lost them.

Many things you cannot influence.
You cannot force someone to love you, or can you?
We have powers that no other being possesses.
But still we are feeling haunted by many things
which we cannot control and that is the truth.
Some things just happen, because it is unstoppable.

Those that do not have divine Faith, will always live in fear.
Because some aspects of life are to be feared, if one does not believe.
As for death, uncertainty is for both. It is the ultimate challenge to believe in a place which can never be proven.

But if you want something, If you need that something.
You can always try, try to pray. Search for it, Ask for it.
Seek Faith and Faith will find you. Pray, with sincerity and openness.
Because it is never too late.

so scared

Fear of the unexpected..

Fear of my own tears..

I’m scared, but please..

Trust me

-Knuci

I’m with you

There was a time I didn’t need anyone
I thought I could be alone
But I couldn’t have been more wrong
Because then you came along
At that moment I realised it
This urge
There just aren’t enough words to explain it
I didn’t care how, I just wanted to be with you
This feeling, this hope, it’s what kept me going
I could have given up, but I didn’t
I could have made life easier, but I didn’t
Because somehow I knew, I loved you
And I always will

-Knuci

My hope

I need hope
When someone or something tears my hope apart
I feel there is no reason left to be here
What am I going to do when nothing good can come out
When I no longer believe that what I am doing is the right thing to do
When I think that all I’ve worked for,
That all I’ve been trying to reach,
That all I’ve achieved up until now,
Was for nothing,
Thrown away like a heart that stopped beating
Pain I do not understand, I cannot heal, I cannot prevent
Without hope.. there is just no reason to be where you are
To be where I am,
To stay and yet move on,
I will never give up on hope

-Knuci

Ask

And I fall down on my knees crying out to you. My Beloved.
The only one I love this passionate, the only one I’d do everything for.
I keep on doing everything I can and make mistakes.
And Lie. And stay on the wrongside and try to get it right.

And you believe my intentions and keep me away from harm.
Why o Why are you so good for me. You could make me fall in a wink.
You could break me in two and tear me apart.
You have mercy on my soul.
You keep my loved ones alive. You help me through.
Why are you this kind..

You give me strength to go head on.
Without I would not have a direction to go to.
Everything is You. You are everything.
Thanks to you I am what I am now.
I could cry out loud and scream how much I love you,
and it would still not be enough. So fragile, I am.
What could I have ever done, without your blessing.

You took care of me, where my parents where not.
All the accidents I went through. Only you where with me.
Only you will be with me, in Singapore, All over the world.
Without your blessings I will be alone all the way.
How lonesome, As I am no more. For now.
But still I pray to you as much as I have power to.
Because You complete me. I understand Your value.
I wont search for You in desperate times only.
I will always search for You, both in good and bad times.
And thats why I ask, You to be with me,
and listen to my needs, to my pleads..

With my hands opened before You, in tears I ask;
Please take care of everyone, Guide them to salvation.
Let the world turn once without murders, without pointless kills.
Let families be fed what they deserve.
Let children play without their parents growing apart.
Aid the weak. Help the strong.
And take special care of my family, my friends.
Because Those are of direct importance to me;
Let them grow old with a smile from side to side.

Help me, Beloved, because I Ask!!

Freedom

This blood that runs through my vains, It reroutes.
When I will be on my way to heaven’s doors.
To a place where I can have my freedom.

I can feel something that I never felt before.
And still I keep on, doing what I do.
But what If I were to change, beyond recognition.
To something that is so perfect,
that only envy will be the emotion shown before me.
And I will be hated, despised.

Something I ache for, something I’d die for..
I keep forgetting, my reason to survive.
What If I were to become the one, which I asked for.
And because of that my heart would feel no more pain.
Divine. No, but a drop of hope. For a better future.

I can feel it,  something happening before me,
Something I have longed for, so long.. Too long.
I know this will be over only when we are at Heaven’s doors.

And then we all will feel the urge. Only then.
Because He is the Only One.
He is The One and The Only. He makes Night. He makes Darkness.
He makes Light. He makes salvation. He can set me free.

Here comes the Pain!

Suffocating… Little by little.. Air seems to be no more.
Your life is spinning all around and round.
All the things you did, all the things you made,
all the things you created.. and all the things you will be leaving.

One Life, One Soul, One Love. Nothing more, should a human need,
because it is more than enough. To socialize, to intellectualize.
What if there is no God. Then we should know, that we are the ones.
That create, re-create and destroy. But still, even we, the powerfulled.

We seem to be afraid of some kind of outsider power.
Something which makes certain that unrighteousness
is never possible on the longer term.
But still, we search for undivine things, in order to give them divinity.
A statue, a person, animals. But how can these things cause justice.

And when we lie there, and somethings rips us apart from the inside.
We are afraid. We must be afraid. As we never heard
where we are going to,
There is no evidence. No proof. Nothing. Our knowledge darkens.
As we leave this earth, we might be going to some other place.
But is it real. Is it reality or a myth. Will we Rot away or reach divinity.
We dont know. We will never know, As long as we live.

But now it comes.. Here comes the Pain..!

Face yourself.

Look in the mirror and see that person, which stares at you.
That person is you, the one that keeps on making mistakes.
Cant even take a straight line,
always depending on others to come through.
Come to help you, come to aid you.
But please, when they are gone, what will become of  you.

Trust others, but not let it confuse you. You are alone.
You are never together with others, you, you are responsible.
For your own actions, for your mistakes, for your flaws.

I know, you are good. You are pure. You are what you are.
But in the end, it is now what you are, it is what you choose.
If you cannot walk straight and always stray.
You only deceive yourself.

Others will never come and take the results for their own accounts.
They will only say, It was you, you you!
You made that choice, we were not the ones.
Dont be stupid! You cannot blame us!

Face yourself. Face your sins. Who you have victimized.
Take the blame, take the responsibility. Ask for forgiveness.
Beg for forgiveness. Beg to the victim, Beg to the Lord~
Ask and will be given, Ask and will be given.
Otherwise you will never be able to face yourself.

Face yourself.

Trust..

Being lonesome reflects characteristics of some kind.
Being otherwise reflects something as well.

Thinking highly of some may not be sufficient enough
to find one’s own strenght (back).
Trust in something fragile, vulnerable and swayable. It’s tough.
But finding this trust and maintaining it has many fruits and benefits.

Finding trust and finding faith. Two different concepts.
One temporary and other permanent.

Trust..

Here I find myself sitting on my couch,
Feeling nothing really.
Just listening to the machine that washes my dishes.
The tv is on, but Im not watching.
Ive hardly slept today, but Im not tired.
I just felt the urge to write.
No reason really, maybe boredom.
Im bored pretty easily.
Writing keeps my mind of the fact that I am alone right now.
And yet, I am not alone at all.
I wonder where this little story is going.
I wonder where I will be going.
How is this going to end.
How am I going to end.
I wonder

-Knuci

No rights.

Child, you seem to be hurt.
You must be thinking about stopping.
Working out in the gym, you are.
Son, do you think that you know what pain is?
Many have passed before you,
and many have succeeded from positions that were worse than yours.
Is it not that their pain was grave,
or is that they were not flesh and blood.
You do not have any rights to stop or call it quits,
if succes is what you stray for.
No rights to whine, no rights to cry.

Child, you seem exhausted. A break must be all you can think about.
Receiving money is what drives you at first. While work the time only,
left before the sand of the hourglass reaches its gravity.
Is it you, that deserves this cashflow.
You who defies the proper appreciation.
Many have come before you,
and made their living out of your work.
Are you one who defies their life,
is it you who is above their time.
No rights to whine, no rights to cry.

Child, you seem hopeless.
Sinful acts are those that must be going through your mind.
A goal is what you set, and to fulfill was your goal at first.
But you strayed and lost your way.
Many men have found their way back from the very edge of hell.
Who are you, to give in.
Have you not ached for succes. Have you not ached for suffering.
To be superior,
you have chosen to fight with the best and yet you remain.
No rights to whine, no rights to cry.

I once saw a man
I saw him in an instant
While passing by fast
I remember being in a hurry

This man
He just sat there
On a bench near the trees
Sleeping

I remember thinking
He might be dead
He looked old
I wondered

If he was dead
Who would find him
Who would cry for him
Who was this man

Did he have friends
Did he have family
What was his past
Why was he alone

I envied this man
He just sat there
Peacefully
While I was in a hurry

-Knuci

Mirrors

There are not many people who actually know me
They might know the always funny me,
They might know the always cheerful me,
But those are just my masks
I put them on so I wont get hurt
I put them on so I wouldn’t be betrayed

I smile when I feel like crying, so nobody notices
I turn when I let my tears flow, so nobody sees
When something bad happens, I just want to run away
I avoid subjects that make me feel bad
I don’t want to get hurt like I have been
I don’t want to lose myself in that dark anymore

Those masks made me feel like a prisoner of myself
I couldn’t stop acting foolish
People liked someone that wasn’t me
I was alone, but somehow I didn’t mind
I thought I wouldn’t get hurt
As long as there was nobody to hurt me,

But humans want to feel better by hurting others
It makes them feel powerful,
It makes them feel good, making others feel bad
I wasn’t one of the popular kids, I was the weird one
Not because of who I was, but because of the way I looked
I started hating it, I couldn’t stand this person in my mirror

I don’t like mirrors, they don’t show the real me either
Mirrors show you the opposite of how you look
But still I always feel the urge to look at them
Checking if I don’t look weird in any way
But especially because I hope that someday I can look and smile
And that the person in that mirror, smiling back
Is truly me

-Knuci

Humans have the urge to express themselves,
They write, they draw, poetry and art are everywhere
But what they are really trying to achieve
Is having someone that will listen to them
Books are nothing when there is no one to read them
Art is irrelevant when there is no one that sees it

However, putting your true feelings in something concrete
Makes you feel relieved already
Because there is already someone listening: you
When you express yourself you listen to yourself
You think about what you’re saying when creating it
You are your most important pupil

Writing this I feel the urge to express myself
I read these words, learning while writing them
There is so much I want to tell, so much to show
There is so much I need to learn, about religion,
About feelings, emotions, about me
So that is what Im going to do

Slowly I will show my feelings, my nature, my past, my goals,
Whether you want to read it or not,
I think it will make me a stronger person

-Knuci

If you cannot change, stay as you are.
Stay as you are, for the rest of your life.
I will always change.
I will always improve, according to my own vision.

My pleading

What you may bring forward I will always accept.
Pain or happyness, even though I might be afraid.
I’m happy now. I am happy.

But please do not bring any pain to me, because I am afraid.
Do not let me see another day, because fear of pain frightens me.
I am so fragile, I have no control over things. None of us have.
That makes us human I guess..

Not able to stop time. It feels so excruciating…
Fear of the future.. always fear for the future..
My trust in you is great,  but I fear.
I pray to you, yet I fear.
You are my God.
That’s why I am pleading.

If I were to choose, I would choose to have it right now.
To be free of these shackles that make us human.
But you would not let me, because my time is yet to come.
And at that time, all my loved ones might have gone.
It scares me. It scars me.

I want to set the example. I want to be a example.
That is why I try, always.. always..
I might be one of the people that really has to live.
Because I have surrendered to your will.
And I will keep my word till the very end.

All that you bring I accepted. All that you will be bringing I will accept.
Have mercy on me, Dear God.

Thank you.

Everyone faded. I was losing myself. Pain I could not bear.
Lonelyness I could not defeat. Aching heart. Full of suffering.
Trying to beat boundaries without giving up.

Trying to stay positive, but negativity was there all along.
Broken beyond repair, one might say.
But you, who had full trust in me, stayed always beside me.
Talked to me, supported me without knowing, really.
What that meant to me..

I can do things. I can reach goals. I can do it now.
Not afraid anymore of losing control.
Not afraid of anything, anything except god.

Thinker, thats really what I am. Thats what I have been.
Thats what I will be, forever. A philospher maybe.
And when I come to think about it,
you always accepted me for who I am.

The only one with whom I felt that I was really being trusted.
Only one with whom I could relate to to such an extent.
Only one that stood out against the pressure and chose my side.
Saying ‘no’ is hard. Even harder against friends.

Thats why it’s only natural to say those words.

Thank You.

Have you ever..

Loved someone so much you couldn’t sleep?
That everything seemed dull,
empty and lonely because of it..

Kissed so intense you couldn’t think?
Losing every sense of stress,
Without losing to lust alone..

Given up on something that seemed so precious,
that you always thought about and cared for,
even so it seemed so hopeless all the way..

Morning

Put on the pants,
Put on the shirt,
fix and tighten the tie,
Socks.. put ‘em on,
Tie shoelaces

One look in the mirror
and — psshhhht.. perfume.

Out you go, in the morning breeze, – click-clack-click..

Reading a book on the couch,
or taking a walk in the cold weather.

Working out, eating, shopping.

A deep breath of this cold air.

Hands numb so put ‘em in my pockets.

Crowded within from side to side,
but one place always feels so lonely.

But I wonder, how I would feel without this open spot.
Because I secretly began to love it.

this feeling of power, real time power.
Alone, but happy.

Differences

Because I speak out my mind, does that make me bad?
Should I just keep it in, and act like an adult?
An adult that keeps everything in.
Is that growing up?

An adult,
That lies to cover up the truth,
one that does not speak his heart,
one that is supposed to be emotionless,
one that is supposed to act strong in front of others,
one that says he is busy.

Many things, people expect ‘adults’. But I dont care, about growing up or becomine one. If I cannot speak up my mind, then I dont want to be something called an ‘adult’.

I speak up in class, never become untruthful to myself, even if someone pressures me, Its just not me, I do what I want and when I want it. Defending my statements keeps me what I am. Does that make me different?

Different from others, in the sence that I speak up where everyone just defies themselves? Many differences…

Some think being harsh to people they love, makes them stronger but that is not true. In certain times it helps, but in most of them it doesn’t. It causes pain and frustration. People want to be understood, is it an adult or a child.

Speaking up in an relation is very important to build and advance it.
Without it there is none. No relation. No friendship. Nothing.

Some people just do not understand this.
They will keep on breaking other’s hearts.

Differences… Between us.

Empty whole

I want your fury and I want your lips,
to touch mine and to be kept like this.
Throw all your passion, all your fury at me.
All your regret and all your sorrow, cant you see,
I want your love, I don’t want to be friends.

Blow me apart,  and feel me through,
Come to me, I am your fool, I will stay with you.

You know I want you, to fill this empty hole in my heart,
with all your emotions and desires to tear my apart.
To set me free because we know, you and me.

I want your illness and I want your negativity,
to fill me and leave this empty hole,
into nothing more than misery.

Love, LOVE. 
I DONT WANT TO BE FRIENDS.

Redemption

I’ve been defied and i’ve been deceived.
I’ve been hated, and i’ve definitely been mistreated.

Been a muslim, am a muslim, will die as a muslim.
Because of that many people looked differently towards me.

This screaming pain inside crushing all senses of being.
All shackles of a human being broken by agony.

Do you understand, You, Who never came looking for me.
You who never replied, you who just accepted.

All this time I thought I was to blame, but these tables will turn round and round and then you will have to choose, Life or Death.

Muslims are a disease.

A dutch minister who lives in Almere, Netherlands had some big statements in this video, his words summarized, contained the message that everything that is in one line with Islam should be taken care of. Meaning, to not allow any muslim activities, even going as far as not allowing to butcher animals in an Islamic correct way, Halal. He simply said that that was harmful for animals. I was utterly disgusted. His ignorance was amazing. His main statement was that Islam is an threat to society. He talked with very much disrespect about Muslims in my opinion. First video is the interview. Second one is someone without an religion, you dont have to be dutch to understand whats going on, basically. Only that the black guy does not want to be viewed on television, and thats why he gets mad.

1. Minister

2. Random black guy spits on minister (not same)

Update School/Life

And in the end, I just gave up on boxing. My mindset evolved once again and I do not think fighting is necessary anymore. However staying in shape is. Thats why I will keep on working out regularly and try to live accordingly. School is not booming right now, but it is OK. I will try to improve grades and penetrate the top 5% of my study within this year. Something I will be focusing on is to become an millionair before I turn 21. This way I can have a certain influence on this world in the long run. To reach this goal I will use my intellect, instinct and will ask for help. I will not make money by doing things an monkey could do as well. Profitable, that is.

Wish me good luck.

SKDR ~

Tyrants

Tyrant/Tiran(Greek). A cruel and oppressive dictator.
Terrorist, Terror, Terrorism. Terrorism is the systematic use of terror especially as a means of coercion, meaning forcing one to act in a way one would not voluntarily.

Adolf Hitler, Kim Jong- il, Saddam Hussein, Jozef Stalin, Fidel Castro.
People with gifts to provide leadership. They know how to gain sympathy and support. Both in domestic areas and in international areas. Some may recall their contributions as negative to this world. But really, based on what are these leaders being remembered in this way? They had full support of normal beings, people like you and me. Those people had children, they had families. They had lifes with all the pleasures and pains. What is it that these leaders promised that whole groups of people were supporting them.

Bush, John F. kennedy. American presidents, always propagandated as being just, being severe to anything that strikes human welfare.
But what do people think about the ‘Abu ghraib’ incident, Hongarian torture acts done by the CIA, and of course the invasion of Cuba at the Bay of Pigs in 1961. If one may not know these incidents, one should acquire knowledge. These and many more which have remained unknown to the public. These acts are definitely not in accordance with human wellfare. In fact, these acts can and should be adressed as terrorist acts. If one fully understands this, then it is easy to see that there is no real justice on this world.

Terrorism, Such a fearful word.  When did this word really started to affect our daily lives. Nowadays, it seems terrorism and Islam are always written in one sentence. Due to the lack of godly powers I cannot say if this is true, that Muslims have gone mad, or that someone is really trying to stop an religion which is growing faster than researchers can keep up with, that is the truth and its definitely measurable. Are people just following each other or is it really the path? Is there a pattern noticeable?

Every Tyrant, in the form of an inspiring leader, has brought some kind of value to this world. This world now is what all the Tyrants have created alltogether. Their minds, their ways of doing can and will never abandon us. Some are remembered as heroes, others as criminals. But in reality, there is no difference between them. The goal was the same, eventually, only the ways of doing were different. And interpretations of others made it good or bad.

Can a mere human lead others in the end? The answer will always be no. Because human capacities are equal. A leader should be divine, as long as that is not the case, the leader will always make flaws, noticeable absolute and measurable data.

If you found this piece of writing on the net and read it, and are in despair; Try believing in G.O.D. Gather knowledge and find the right path for you. Dont hesitate. Dont believe in mumbo-jumbo. Truth is objective and measurable. And heads up; Dont ever blame the baker if his bread burned black. Dont judge the religion by looking at the people who are said to be an associate of that religion.

If you found this piece of writing on the net and read it, and are not in despair; carry on as you were doing before you read this.

The future

Now, the internet, gps and the begin of hybrid engineering.
In 20 years most likely nano communications and almost no privacy.
Everything ID-tagged, a ‘better’ world.

I’m not sure if I want to be part of such a world, but its not like I have a choice. I hope I’ll at least die an honourable death, not killed by a chair. Or something like that.

lol.

On the edge, my edge.

Pushed back, been pushed back.
Tough times baby,, tough times.
At some moments so desperate,
no energy at all to improve, to be efficient.

Flow of things on the low, have to be patient.
Sometimes just losing it, almost begging for help.
Truth is, as it seems, unavoidable…

Time seems endless. Cant find things that are usefull.
Just want to throw everything in the garbage.
Cant seem to find energy for the things I want to do..
and keep doing things I dont prioritize as important.
What is it, that I’m waiting for. Is there something ?

Even though, it seems like we’re making progress somehow.
But somehow it just feels so useless..

The path to succes, only able when I surpress.

2009~2010

A year that has been precious to me like any other year.
One with more regrets and more sorrows than any other year.
Pain and agony, characteristics of this period.

The good experiences seemed to be overshadowed by greed and a curse to progress. Thinking that progress was being made, actually still remaining at the starting point. A good year, like any other year. But still precious to my development. Because I can only learn truth when I make mistakes. I hope that the upcoming year will not be as cruel as this one has been, and that I will fulfill my expectations a little and find balance in this rushful life. They say ‘Ignorance is a bliss’ but for me knowledge is the path to walk upon.

Singapore, 888-666, Driving license, L… ?

To a new year, with new hopes,

Happy 2010.

New site

I have a new site up and running called lucidinfatuation.wordpress.com, started it because I myself was feeling a bit down and uninspired. I thought that more people have problems with things like that, so thats why I started it. Mainly its just notes to get a grip on things one is busy with, is it losing weight or achieving another goal. I am not dumping this site or whatever, this site is precious to me like a steering wheel is precious to a racer. Like a piece of wood is precious to a panda. Like cards to a poker player. Ye ye ye, you get the point. I’ll keep my personal things here.

Well that’s my short note, just to let you know.

Leeche(r)s

When I think about it, friendship with some people. It keeps coming to my mind, that some persons are only using me, to be ‘popular’ or to leech from. Most of the time those persons seem necessary for me, even though they dont seem to have any positive effects on anything. Then I wonder, why is it that I cannot let them go, the way I treat most of the people.

In particular this one person, that in, the years I have been friends with, never really seemed to have any positive effects on me. But saying it like this seems harsh. I wonder, why it feels like we have so much in common even though are ways are so different, it is a real mystery. Also with some tests we have the almost the same results. He does not care who he lies to, I lie to people I do not care about. He does not feel indebted to people, not one bit, never. I try to never get indebted with others and cant stand it.

It might be that I’m more like him than I think I am, because it is true when they say that you attract people like yourself. Flaws seen in others is most of the time a flaw in oneself. It is a mystery to me. Time will tell most likely, if I am really like him, when I get to know myself a bit better. — SKDR

Update School/life

Been busy these days.. well actually, busy with nothing when I think of it. Boxing and working-out quite regularly now, just helped out at school last weekend. For my study, TMA. Had to explain what the study is about. Quite some people were interested, the number of attendents were more than the last couple of years. Also joined a presentation about TMA, were a third and fourth year student told their stories, one went to Chengdu and the other to a place of which  I cannot remember the name of.. the names are not what you would say, simple.. at least not for me.

Also the place where I want to go for exchange is most likely Singapore Nanyang Uni. Its in the top 20 business schools of the world and I smell opportunities lol. My coordinator and Japanese teacher would probably rather see me go to Japan, but I am not feeling right about that choice. I dont think the chances are too bright there right now. Especially for the raw lifestyle of 7 days of work and no fast promotions. Singapore seems better in that view, feels like performance gets paid much quicker, hehe. Another point that catches my attention is the low(er) costs of living, which is great. Japan is quite expansive. China is cheap, but the language does not fit me.

Oh well, this is it for now. — SKDR

Return

Late at night cycling home. Breaking dawn yet to come.
Wind is blowing, the night seems restless.

Thinking of the mistakes I made, the people I left.
The choices I made, the consequences it had.
Sometimes wondering if it all really was for the better.
Was there not another way..

Thinking of shadows that are haunting these nights,
people without a place to go, no future, no hope anymore.
Lost everything, now lost in theirselves, left alone.

When did all this sorrow start, why did it become like this.
When spiritual leaders start to cry, it must have been more than enough.

Waiting for the return, return of love, truthfulness and faith.

バイオリン。

Instrument so fragile, so strong.
independent beautiful, arranged magnificent.
A touch misplaced is easily known and felt,
therefore this instrument should be handled with care.
It is as wonderous as a female body.

Bunny Boiler – Balls of Steel

Balls of steel. I’ve known it for quite some time now, it is succesful on youtube and the Dutch have it on the tv these days. The program has some serious insane kind of humor, but its funny. This part of the program was horrible in an epic way. I know I might not be the best for the ones I love, but this was the climax of epic fail. Watch it!

3-day. Mehndi, Nikah and Walima.

Laughter, joy and filled stomaches. Might be a bit too crowded and with unfamiliar faces for me, but good it was.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2031047&id=1300816722&l=ab8b7197a2

lacigolotno xodarap ???

Close to diner time. Weather outside is cold but not freezing. Its rainy, but hell, when does it not rain in this country. 19/\11>19/\5 tags along with 23/\14>7/\14 by bike, to make sure arrival at home will be safe. They decide to take another route just to be on the safe side. Even though 1911195 remembers something about dangers in the area they will travel through, that does not seem to be relevant somehow. After taking the other route they notice that it is not possible to travel through anymore. Even though the original route is not safe,  they decide to travel through anyways, since turning back is not a possibility now.

After cycling around the forest they finally arrive at the entrance, the only way forward. Flashes of people telling 1911195 that the place is not to be entered come to mind, despite it they move in. After cycling for 10 minutes they need to turn right onto an unsurfaced road. Right before turning a body is noticed by both, and 1911195 acts towards 2314714  like they are just rushing telling her ‘come on hurry up, its nothing’ while surpressing horrifying emotions. They both turn right  and see a man a man tightened on to a chair, having some kind of weird flour-like substance in his mouth. While seeing and realizing what has been seen, they approach and suddenly drop by some hindrance blocking the road. 1911195 is not able to move and is not able to see clearly, hearing 2314714 scream.

His head lying on its left side, he sees another person tightened on to a chair. He clearly remembers this person. Its 1/\17>4/\14. It might have been a couple years when he last saw her. Her mouth is taped and for some reason she is keeping her eyes tightly closed. Wanting to help her but 1911195 is not able to move. Signs of the same kind of flour-like substance is noticeable on her face. Suddenly she starts to push her chair backwards agressively without opening her eyes, seeming most likely the chair had wheels. She falls off something and a noise is heard. Thereafter there is silence. A long silence. 1911195 knows someone or something is standing in front of him, but refuses to look. Minutes go by without anything happening. Finally he manages to move his head to look.  He sees ‘the same’ white male murderer standing before him, staring at him, and 1911195 knows what will become of his faith.

*Dev Art by Mishuku.

These nights.

These nights on my own.
Gracious silence, somehow glad that I’m alone.
Anxiety not, only peace of mind.

Hourglass seems to stop, endless silence until the sounds of the morning break through the night into the dawn. Passionate sorrow as time refuses to return,
as time refuses to return.

Not willing to share, selfishly enjoying. No regrets, consequences infinite, even though a chance of losing everything. Without faltering moving forward, without hesitation, not holding back. Darling, This darkness is bittersweet, an era with possibilities as for death is not the end, yet a trigger for the new.

Dreaming, visions of a future that shows none other than bloodshed and regret. Horrible pain, that must never be erased. Stuck in a time only wanting to be cured,
there is no escape.  Only fear that did not left.  Forever, for eternity. Candles lighted,  shadows ignited, burning pain without being alive.

Time cautiously ticks away hour after hour, my will to sleep keeps me awake.

Dreaming, visions of a future that shows none other than happyness and youth.
An era without human leadership, without forgone and grudged spirits.
Without a black coat crawling around our shoulders, filled with guilt,
sadness and death.

Angels, Demons nor Spirits have any intentions of leaving,  their place is with us. Cold harsh lonelyness, Deep in their hearts, Deep in their hearts. 

Let them not weep when it is time to let go what they sought, 
because soon enough those memories will be forgot.      

 

 

3 Nights without days.

Chaos, Murder, Darkness.

Gog and Magog.

Dajjal.

しょうらい

1
.

 

2
.

3
.

 

Gloomy Sunday.

Gloomy sunday, or better known as ‘The Hungerian Suicide Song’. Many have died due to this song. Pain and sadness is one in it, to those with a broken heart it might sound cruel. That the so called curse is interesting is inevitable due to its past. Lets not talk more and lend it our ears.

Gloomy Sunday — Szomoru Vasarnap

~ The origin.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAzJ_7CeWbc

 

Back from being away.

Oh well, what did u think, this being my home of philosophies. Cant get away, If this is the place I belong. So here I am, back from being away.

Its been too long since I have (obviously) written to myself. It seems this place is becoming a graveyard of my memories, so time to fire things up again. Next to that the doxer is not (understated!!) using this blog, so I changed it a bit. Oh well, time for me to cut the bullshit, and write me a nice recap of what happend in the time I didn’t write. Useless information; Its 04:17, Listening to NAS-America, feeling sad. Oh yes, I have an appointment with the barber at around 10:00, so yes.

Ah yes… the begin of a new year, 2009. I felt a bit bored at school so I started studying IBMS next to TMA. I had to study german >_<, otherwise the advisor of the IBMS study would not let me. *Pah* Oh well, There were also fun subjects like MM2, all about Marketing. We are now at the end of the year, and I did passed all the tests, but I’ve decided to drop IBMS and only take the extra points I earned. Because all the stupid teachers are very bothersome, not responding to emails of asking them to fill in my grade.(It can’t be filled in due technical problems of me studying 2 studies)On top of that I would be having average of 80 hours of lessons to attend next year, compared to the average of 60 hours a week this year(thats + IBMS). I had to skip lessons this semester to be able to attend more important lessons. It was quite stressful and as you may know the higher education, especially at the HES(!), you have to fix everything yourself. Also there are groups of disgusting people all over the place filled with closed minded, you never know if those people are to be trusted.

I had also been doing some photo shoots, at first for fun just because I was asked to take part, and finally one shoot for a fight magazine. I’ll add one of the shots that were for fun in this post, just for when I feel sad, so that I can cheer up from it hopefully.

I stopped with working parttime at the advisory, because I was just too busy with school. I just recently stopped with working out at a local gym and started boxing at ‘seconds out’, a professional box gym. I intend to take this very seriously and I will try to take on the professional world.

I would like to buy a violin and a electronic drum set in the future. It is the same like with skating, I do not understand a bit of both, but I will conquer both and learn to play on a above intermediate level, because my inner self says so.

At this current moment I feel not at ease, I feel not relaxed and I definitely feel not at my own pace. I feel pushed around, and most of all, I feel hurt. I feel that I’ve lost parts of myself, being charismatic and especially energetic. It seems that I pushed myself too hard these months. I want to find myself in a better position, and regain my mental strength. That is one of the reasons that I urged to come back to this place, to find the frustration that is slowing me down. My place, My Memories, just like a second mental home.

Oh God help me. Save me. Dont let me fade, let me shine.. ~ !

Unique propositions of me.

This is me,

One that loves his family.
One that is moderate on your pace, but better on his own.
One that loves to search for new challenges.
One that talks big,  but would probably never leave you alone.
One that believes in god to such an extent,
willing to sacrifice all, even his friends.
One that is very strong and can be cruel,
but when deeply in love can come around like a fool.

One that is a perfectionist,
One that hardly rests for a bit.
One that is good all alone,
but better with a girl for his own.

One that loves sports and loves to dance,
one that loves to sparr and kick ass.
One that doesn’t hate to lose,
as long as it’s not by an ignorant fool.

One that will always look at life happily,
one that will try to cheer for everyone unexceptionally,
One that tries and tries even while hurting,
one that cries but never stops searching.

One that thinks that mental growth is of high value,
yet follows his feelings without a direct clue.
Always sets the bars high, to make sure it will be a little hard to move.
Just started a second study, because one may have a lot to proof.

One that isn’t scared of the death,
because laying in one’s opinion, the coffin is only for a little rest.
One that tries not to pass judgement onto humans,
because knowing that god sees all, one takes in all evil doings.
One that tries not to live a lie,
one that will never stop searching for his perfect wife.

Walk Alone.

Put all your angels on the edge
Keep all the roses, I’m not dead
I left a thorn under your bed
I’m never gone

Go tell the World I’m still around
I didn’t fly, I’m coming down
You are the wind, the only sound
Whisper to my heart
When hope is torn apart
And no one can save you

I walk alone
Every step I take
I walk alone
My winter storm
Holding me awake
It’s never gone
When I walk alone

Go back to sleep forevermore
Far from your fools and lock the door
They’re all around and they’ll make sure
You don’t have to see
What I turned out to be
No one can help you

I walk alone
Every step I take
I walk alone
My winter storm
Holding me awake
It’s never gone
When I walk alone

Waiting up in heaven
I was never far from you
Spinning down I felt your every move

I walk alone
Every step I take
I walk alone
My winter storm
Holding me awake
It’s never gone
When I walk alone

http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?zyedz4dnjoo

Grades of Second Block!

Financial Accounting > 7.8 !!
Management Information Systems > 5.2
Marketing > 7.0
Management and Organisation > 6.0
English Writing > 6.3
English Reading > 8.3
English WEBCT > 7.0
Young Entreprise Continuous Assessment > 8.0
Young Entreprise written reports > 8.0
Young Entreprise Interim Presentation > 8.0
Japanese oral exam > 7.0
Japanese written exam > 7.1
Physical Education > 8.0
Cross Cultural Analyses presentation > 8.5
Cross Cultural Analyses continuous assessment > 8.2

AVERAGE OF 7.36

Opinion “Tegenlicht – De Eeuw van Azië by Kishore Mahbubani”.

(http://www.vpro.nl/programma/tegenlicht/afleveringen/39880046/media/39991351/?bw=bb&player=wmp&media=39991351&refernr=&hostname=www&portalid=programmasites&x=48&y=7#

When I started to watch the video and I saw Kishore Mahbubani standing and watching himself in the mirror, I could tell that he would be a man with a strong opinion. Before starting to watch it, I searched for some information about him by using Wikipedia, to see what he had achieved so far in his life, and to understand a bit the way he would most likely think and what he would know. I read that he had been all across the world and had written a couple of books. I noticed that his origin is from Pakistan, what happened to be the origin of my mother.

He began by telling what he thought would be the greatest countries in the world in the future, I agreed with his vision, since it was very realistic, when we take a look at the growth of the Asian upcoming countries. Soon thereafter he emphasized that creating wealth in Asia does not mean the Asians are going to take over the western values. One of those values is the need for democracy, what I personally do not perceive as being very important. He makes clear that the West wants to dominate the world even though they only contain 12 % of the world and want to dominate the other 88% and everything different from their culture values is seen as bad. I agreed with all of the statements, it is not that I did not question his quite extreme vision, but I have been watching news often lately and saw how especially the VS thinks that they are the rules of this world. And that’s why I agree, because I have done research to see if the examples are true, and this man has done more than enough research to support his vision. Good examples are that Belgium has more voting power than whole China in the IFM, that to become the head of the world’s most powerful institutions people have to have a certain background, that is not Asian. I think that is disgusting to see how for example Asians are being held back, are not allowed to grow, are criticized only out to their negative points.

To come back to why I said that I find democracy not so important. That is because I think the human right are extremely important and that every human has their rights and that they are supported and protected by laws. But that does not mean that there Immediate need for a democracy, since that is only being able to vote. And people who did not study political or economical issues, they will be led by the mass of people and by what they see (what kind of people they can choose from, for example presidents in US). For instance, someone charismatic and good at talking but with bad propositions will chosen more likely than someone with better propositions and lesser human skills.  Because if everyone would hate Muslims and there would be a voting to kick them out and everyone agreed, that would be done even though that is not correct, in my opinion. There are malfunctions in that way of ruling a country in my opinion.

It’s obvious that Western countries think in terms of ‘we’ and ‘they’, and the ‘we’ are the ones who share the same western religion. That is also what Kishore emphasizes, and he gives an example of how Russians broke done while the Western did nothing to help them. It’s not that I hate America or whatsoever, but Americans always talked big about human rights, but they are still breaking those laws. American producers, papers, everyone knows. There are many movies and series being made in which we see all kinds of frauds, some of them containing facts of real frauds that have occurred like Guantánamo Bay. There are many movies and pictures to find on the Internet in which we can see women being raped in Iraq. It is also a fact that Saddam Hussein was killed on right before a day when Muslims celebrate for offering animals for poor people, in Dutch called ‘Slachtfeest’. In Iraq a lot of people did not want that to happen, because it was a happy and peaceful period and people should not be killed, but still the Americans went through with it, like if they had a hurry to have it done and get rid of some evidence. My apologies for writing a bit too off-topic.

My schoolmate An-Nur wrote in her piece that Western people were trying to dominate the world and that Asians would do that as well if they were as powerful. But by writing that, she firstly admits that the Western is still trying to remain the rulers, even though their infrastructure is failing, especially that one of the Americans. Secondly, Asians are not a whole, they are not common through religion, size or way of ruling. They are learning of the mistakes that others make, and are trying to improve and are taking their fellow countries with them, by showing how it is done. It is not only that China is growing but a total other country that differs in almost everything named India is growing in power also. “India is a open society with a closed mind, and China is a closed society with a open mind”. Especially by that quote it is noticeable that Kishore is from the East, since I know the Indian values and If one would ask a Chinese, they would agree with the part of China also. The Asians are inspiring all the countries in the world, even the Muslim Mid-East countries. They are seeing the massive progress in Asian countries and are being motivated. While Western are criticizing values of their religion(s). (Wilders, Denmark, America calling Iran the ash of evil > Islam) Western must adapt to change of  world and not vice versa.

Violence or criticizing another culture is senseless. It just does not make sense. Democracy has become some sort of invisible law in this world, to be seen as a certain friend and not as an enemy. After the Chinese saw how the Russians self destructed, they understood, their system could not handle a complete turnover overnight. They are willing to change, but they need their time to maintain their order, what is seen as one of the most important values in China, it is hated to be confronted with negative things in front of people, especially in front of the whole world. That is why they hid their bad ‘parts’ of their city with the Olympic games, because they wanted to maintain their ‘face’ as much as possible. Western society has always been more self-centered than Asian countries. Kishore also emphasizes the importance of order and peace in China. He also explains perfectly how a violent approach (takes as example Iran) can disturb relations between countries. What could save America and other Western countries from their downfall, would be by setting the example by thinking in ‘us’, the humans, instead of ‘we and them’. And try to adapt to changes in the world and not only by expecting others to adapt. And if they can set that standard under the lead of Barack Obama, that would benefit the whole world.

 

なみだ

 

I’ve been nothing more than a Prisoner of Love.
I’m sorry I never knew how to love you.

Grow into Change.

Mentally we all change, from time to time, our point of view. I personally changed beyond recognization when involved in ‘love’ relationships. Changing all the values of mine, especially in my years of change due to puberty. Furthermore, I was so vulnerable, my indications in wrong and right changed drastically. I will not deny that I, as all of the humans on earth, am still vulnerable to values of those among us.

My first relationship was a friend of a friend of mine, I met her when we went to the swimming pool. At that time I think I started wearing contacts but am not sure. This relationship mentally changed me, since I loved someone because that person loved me. Because she and I were both religous(even though not the same), we never kissed or anything, only held hands. She wanted me to be with her, only her. And to reach to that extreme she cried and cried a lot, asking for my support and forcing me to leave my friends and stay beside her. She told all my friends, that they did not know anything about me, that they should never talk to me anymore. When she even went as far as talking about suicide, I could not bear it anymore and broke all contacts with her. That changed my introvert character at that time into a more extrovert person, because I started to value and rely more on friends.

Second relationship was with a girl who was popular throughout my school. I always looked up to her, since she always looked so confident, and was actually older than me and was admired. She had lots of boyfriends (What I really did/do not like(d) at that time), had been into several serious relationships, had more life experience, and always tried to get 6′s for schoolexams(back then, I always tried to get the best out of me by studying hard and just going for as high as possible I thought I could reach) and for me the worst, she smoked and drank, which I both dislike. She was totally different compared to me. She always treated me like a nerd, because I had been wearing glasses and had bracelets. Thats kind of nerdy, I admit. When I started wearing contacts, I noticed people around me started treating me differently, I was not seen as a complete nerd anymore, she also treated me in a different way. She also heared of friends that I just got a girlfriend. She was very jealous, because she liked me a long time and wanted to be with me (as she told me, when she had ‘taken’ me). Because right after I broke up with one, she talked to me at a friend’s birthday.

Even though I knew she only said that because she was now attracted to me, the changed me without glasses. Even though I knew, she was completely different than me. Even though I knew she used my sister at a certain point to get information about me. I just wanted to be with her, since I liked her even before I met my first girlfriend (I had seen her as unreachable). Because I had a relationship with her, she made it a custom to kiss me whenever I saw her or whenever I said goodbye. She made me into a more confident person, to be able to talk in public more casually. To become stronger. She told me to dont worry, to follow my dreams. She changed my values of love totally, into a more western way of thinking. To say “I love you” all the time, to be all the time with the one you love, to kiss the person always whenever leaving. I now realise that that were not my values, not the values I have been raised with. But have become common with through her.

At a certain point in the relationship she could not take it anymore that I would not go further than a certain extent in love, because that value always remained in me. To not do things where marriage is founded for. Thanks to her, my complete character changed enormously. From a bit extrovert into wholly extrovert. My huge effort style in school also changed into a ’6′s mentality. Next to that, everyone started to see me as a popular leader and a trendsetter, a player. Everyone forgot the serious and shy, the nerd in me. There only remained the cheerfull and confidence.

Third relationship. I assumed she never trusted me, because I knew how people thought of me. The guy who all the girls have their eyes on. Might sound arrogant, but I do not mean in that way. Actually, I never really really went out with girls, since a real relationship was only the second of mine, and she always took the lead. This girl expected me to know everything and to take the lead in what to do. I was confused. I also kissed her in public, what she did not liked in the beginning(When I come to think of it, because of ‘good’ values she had, which were ruined back then on my part). In the time I have been with her, she changed in those values. She did not seem to mind it that seriously anymore. I regret having probably changed that value within her. While seeing her push to her limits with studying, I always remained relaxed, just going for the 6′s. But at a certain point, I started to go for 8′s instead. It had to with her changing me and also something else. Will come back to that later on. She changed my values by just doing so, always acting in certain ways. I started to change again, into a more introvert person, though not with less confidence, but to become a more decent person again. (in my opinion). My vision of love, on kissing in public and on what love ment changed completely. Because I started to focus more on study, started to say less “I love you’, and work harder, in order to prove it without saying the words. I felt more love than I ever felt in my life. This person changed me into what I am today. And I’m thankfull. Since now is when I am happy with myself. (even though there will always be place for improvement).

The last thing what changed my 6′s attitude into a 8′s attitude was an anime. It sounds totally odd, melodramatic and more to sum up. Though it is really true. The anime made me see in what kind of world we live and made me realise a lot of things just by making me interested in the thoughts behind the anime. It also made me a more religous person, more than I’ve ever been. To made me realise god is the who can save us and bring us salvation.

Having summed up this after taken myself as an example, we can all see that persons, anime, music, movies, whatever it is. Everything can change us, bad or good (In our opinion and vision, in the way we are brought up, since it is universal, it does not have a meaning on his own). Because good is what we perceive as good, and also vice versa. The more important the ‘person/object’ is to you, the greaters it’s effect on you. The more you will enjoy the little things because of it’s importance to you.

Points of view, Universal.

There is no righteous nor evil.
There is no good nor bad.
There is no right nor wrong.

All, can be seen in many perspectives, in many ways.
In my blog as well, you see more titles, discussing the same,
yet total other conclusions. Because there is not only one path.

How do you want to remembered?

This world is rotten.
This world is fake.
This world is full of seduction.
This world has nothing to offer, really.

How do you want to be remembered?
Remembered, by others and by yourself.
What you could sum up, that you like about yourself.

Time ticks, it won’t stop, it can’t stop.
This is fate, this is our destiny, to be born on this world.
Everything next to that, is within our powers, to change.
If change is what we find necessary, it can be done.

But still. How exactly would you like to be remembered?
The strong silent one, or rather the extrovert, the easy-to-talk-to.
What characteristics are you proud 
                                                 of and
                                                       which ones would you deny?

Now tell me, How do you want to be remembered,
                                                          by yourself and by others,

And what we asked, is what we will get. A change.

Obama won.

“I dont want a nigger in the white house”.
“I cant believe americans choose for a disgusting terrorist”.
“What has become of our free country,
                          there is a muslim in the white house now”.
“He will give money to his people and steal it from us.”
“I dont want a muslim in our white house”.

Obama is the one, with the brains to solve some problems.
But why do people think that he can be some kind of god.
He is just a human, but he uses his potential as a normal human.
Closed minded, Open minded, both shall judge.

Flaws will be made, hate will grow, unity so far away.
That is why a human cannot make the change, what is necessary.
Even though the puppet has brains, it will do what it’s master tells him.

Rich & Poor

Seeing a reporter saving a little child in Congo,
Who’s almost ran over by people dying because of lack of food.

A reporter, compared to a country which has hundreds of millions,
yet saving more than a whole unity. What has become of us…

Awkward isn’t it. Americans playing the god of this world,
And they never even put a step in all these years,
never put a step in Congo to achieve anything concerning peace.

Only attention for elections of who’s going to be the next puppet. The puppet of the government to get all the blame in the end anyways. Because the puppet can only do what the master commands.

Judgement will fall divinely, for all those pathetic money whores.
Money above lifes, Money above family, Money above all.

“Money makes the world go round, & around it will come”

American.

Poor American, Poor American.

Tears filled with sorrow,
Shoulders strained of stress,
Heart plunged in grief,
Not able to say a word.

Poor American, Poor American.

Worked so hard, day and night.
Never reconsidered, American dream kept in mind.
Faith in ‘freedom’, lost ‘everything’, like hell we tried.

Poor American, Poor American.

Has no own opinion, brainwashed completely.
Blindfold containing only arrogance, winded before the eyes freely.
Self-indulgence, a common sense, American wealth so appealing.

Poor American, Poor American,
Will follow one, who promises the most.
Even if the promises bring death to all except the ones who chose.
Their desires, unsatisfied as they will always be.
Poor American, Poor American.

Yours,

This life, is yours.
This body, is yours.
This intellect, is yours.

Dear, you worked so hard.
Dear, You endured so much.
Dear, what have you truly achieved?

These experiences, are yours.
These hardships, are yours.
These kisses, are yours.

Army of “Justice”

“We fight for Peace”

Awkward, to hear hired hounds say such quotes.
Because dogs is what they are, not more, not less.

They only fight for 1 nation, which they belong to.
They will fight for that nation, even if it is wrong or right.
If their government tells them to kill, they most probably will.
Even it were women, little children,  endangered animals; whatsoever.

So justice is the last thing they are trying to achieve.
They are more likely achieving the same paper as us.
They do not care about justice, they only care about money.
They are hired to kill, without killing there is no reason.

One ever said, “Terrorists have real goals and armies have none” Based on the reality that armies will always kill what opposes the government, since they get cold hard cash, & terrorists don not have nations to depend on.

Ask yourself, what IS the difference between a terrorist/soldier.?
& WHERE is our JUSTICE [& FREEDOM.?]

The Land of Freedom & Equality

The US,
The country of the patriots,
The country of the infinite opportunities,
The country of glamor & celebrities.

The US,
The country of Inequality.
The country of frauds.
The country of the ignorant.

This shit we all are in today, begun by them,
total freedom guaranteed while trading contracts,
so to get more profits, to enlarge the cake. (Mccain)
No brain, no results, because people could not pay up.

The only country that would throw cash at its citizens,
Would be America, a unique vision, to repair what is broken.

We have seen it in the past, We will see it in the future.
The only way to overcome such chaotic time, is by war.
Because war, brings money to the wealth, and that is justice.
So what is left, is to have patience and wait for the ‘Evil’ ones.

Credit Crisis; War not far.

When people do not have enough,
they will search for more, eventually kill to survive.

There is no escape, because it is our own fault,
we never cared about none other than paper.

This is all about us, not about them anymore.
People will lose jobs, then money, then food.

Divided opinions, no faith. No power to change the unchangeable.

N & W.

Needs & Wants.

To be purely honest, I never had a need for you, I don’t even need my parents anymore. Because needing is something necessary to be able to live. (That does not make it less valueable).

There is only one’s needs what is brought in their minds, especially in this flow of time. The only objects we need are food and water and some clothes. All the rest is just luxury not something we should be needy for, yet the more we get, the more we ‘need’.

Wants are most times unsatisfied. And when satisfied, it almost immediatly finds something else to want. I do wanted you, very very bad. I wanted you to be with me, & I thought you needed and wanted me at first, but you changed through the time. You might became stronger and not needed me anymore, but your love seemed to grow colder and you dont even wanted me anymore.

So to succeed we should secure our needs & limit our wants,
to such an extent that we feel comfortable at.

Desire.

When our hunger exceeds our limits of well being,
becomes a thrift, to excel, to compete with others,
the only reason we live for.

It may not be what our mind wants us to do,
it may even exceed the limits of our bodies,
plain breaking our vains. But since we all have been humans,
why not try observing and experimenting to find hidden urges,
since hunger reveals only more powers.

The Clearer the goal gets, the more we lose, the more power we gain.
The hunger only reveals our layers hidden with independent powers,
grown all along within us, through harsh experiences.
Something we can’t let go, since it is part of us.

Desire, to break all, that comes in our path.
To find the unsolved truth to our destiny,
walk the fated path, while relying on your instinct,
not on your logical mind.

Follow your desires, even when you lost everything,
Even when you killed your ones.
Even when you surpassed your master.
The path that may lead to destruction and distortion.

Because the need is there, and we all cant win, we had to comply.

Love,

such tenderness, all what we perceive as pain, fades.
all cries, all types of sorrow.
Could you stay with me, because I need you.?
Could you stay with me, because I am afraid..?
Could you stay with me, just to be with me…?

Why stay with one, you would not love,
no special flame, to call it love,
is like committing a sin with intensions of hurting oneself.

When love became a sin,
this world turned into a circle of hate and despise.

Judgement.

He who sits silently,
he who waits till someone turns to him to ask.
Just to ask, even for something so small.

Not moving, just observing.
Seeing everything without blinking an eye.

Those who work, those who cry.
Those who steal, those who kill.

Lack of power, for all mankind.
We can not change or even add something.
Everything that succeeds, is a gift of him.

This time.

Time, in which parents can’t control their own children.
Time, in which music comes out of boxes.
Time, in which glass can give vision.
Time, in which day and night are not anymore structured.
Time, in which huge metal-made products can fly.
Time, in which the sky is not clear anymore.
Time, in which water is not clean anymore.
Time, in which religion has become luxury.
Time, in which brothers kill each other for money.
Time, in which its all about sex, drugs and rock & roll.

Time, in which he will come.
Time, in which it will appear and talk.
Time, in which even more will die.

What comes around. goes around.

We transformed this whole planet, our species, our race.
we, the most powerful being this planet ever seen,
turned water into land,
destroyed woods and polluted the air.

Our peace. our delight.
Animals killed, blue air out of sight.
Our comfort, our existence.

Though expectations tell us our own kind is running towards extermination,
We cannot stop, we might not want to stop.
we have become our own god.

Timeless anxiety

No time, No time!
This to do, That to do.

Deadline for this, Deadline for that.
Stress for this, Stress for that.

week to week, Day by day.
Monthly rest may suit our schedule.

No time for love, No time for family.
Forget about religion, like we have time for that.

What will change in a year?
Yes, Totally nothing.

No time, No time!
This to do, that to do.

Desire

People have desires.
desires to be better than each other.
to have a better education,
to have a bigger house,
to drive a fancier car.

If not, happiness is cut in halve,
they feel demoted, they feel depressed.
always looking at each other,
that’s the way the bar is set.

Desires break us.

Hunger in our hearts

We all have it, at a certain time in our lives we feel this emptiness, something to fill it. It could be drugs, or maybe someone to love or whatever. We all feel this sorrow, we need something to enlighten us.
Humans are never satisfied, hunger never stops.
The more we get, the more we want.

Let us take relations for example. One sees another, & they are attracted to each other. There is a click. They start to like the ambiance between them a lot. They meet everyday. After that, there is sex. Thereafter some more. The ambiance starts to lessen. One starts to notice much more good stuff walking on this earth. Other goes on vacation. One goes out to the movies with someone he/she thinks is nice, the circle starts again. The other is terminated. We all see examples of this daily.

All men and women are attracted to each other. Everyone can get with everyone. Here in The Netherlands you get either sympathized with or laughed at when you tell on you’re 20th that your still virgin. “Don’t you need some good quality “time” ?~!”. I do not want to use the word love in this concept since it is just disgusting.
I believe the word is connected to god.

I used to feel some emptiness in my heart also, that is why I asked myself. “What is it I need or really want”. I wanted something or someone to take pressure of my back, to be there for me, to believe in me, in good and bad times. I do not necessarily need that anymore. When you will cry, you will always cry alone, with or without some other person.

Just recently, I got a pack of cigs from my boss, since I was the only one not smoking at my work & he knew I was having a lot of stress and always been attracted to it. He told me to keep it. I even bought a lighter. I have been very attracted to it, I do admit. I even showed my dad, he observed the pack and just gave it back without a word in return. I knew he was having a hard time but made me take my own responsibility for my actions and because he would not be able to stop me anymore if I would do it. Then I remembered how much I had hated it in the past & why I did not wanted to do it until now. I gave the pack to a classmate of mine & held on to the lighter, as a reminder.

I realized when entering the HES, average ages of at least 22. All these people are so called the top of this world. Though I’m the youngest of the class, though for that reason I’m called the baby of the class, I still can not believe there is a difference of 6 years between me and most of the students. All these people seem not to have learned anything about life, only living to drink beer and party and off course other ‘important’ stuff.

What is the point of having someone who is weak tagging along on ones back, never learning of their own mistakes. Constantly, making the same mistakes, over and over again. Let them stand on their own feet, if necessary let them fall.

I only need strong people, which learn of their mistakes. Closed minded are enough in this world.

At least 90% of all humans is incompetent.

Money makes this world

To earn a lot of money and be respected.
That’s what it is all about.
After the day it was all talk and just for the cold hard cash.

Students go to school, just to earn a bigger wallet.
One hates school, yet they go.
Money seems that important, a real necessity.
Because without money, no respect. [ In this society ]

Everybody talks about true love and how it solves everything.
But one cant even meet others parents when they don’t have a job.
It is said money does not matter when it is true love.
Money does matter, & so does one’s background.
That is why, Let us focus on our study, to become successful and live a miserable life. Just like everyone else nowadays. It is that, or become a junk, who is despised by the great, the respected.

So that is why, I’ll do my family a favor, let me do what my relatives could not. I will not walk the path of sin, let me earn a whole lot of money & earn my family some respect, so not to be seen as poor anymore & as a halve blood family without dignity, so my mother can walk without her head down low.

~ Humans will drink blood for money,
~ even kill their brothers,
~ disgusting creatures.

Rase

Walk straight, Chin up, Chest forward.
They look, but they cant harm us.
Take one step, & one more after that.
Dont be afraid.

Our blood might not be pure,
Our skin color might be a little dark.

Trying to live in peace, doing our best.
Violence is not what we are after.

Yet still they look & we can hear them.
Some of us might have no sort to bind with,
we might be different,
we might be cruel.
They might be right.

But let us walk straight, so to tear through them.
Since we might be monsters of the new world,
but don’t we have a right to live? to be happy?

Faith is all we have. In only one we have.
They will try & try. But they will not succeed.

Even when they kill our parents & our sons.
Let us walk. Let us walk.

Chaotic storm of thoughts

My mind, Chaotic storm of thoughts on an open sea.
Making everything fall apart on its path.
Though trying to keep it under control, emotions take the lead.

Want to succeed, but the same time wanna kill it.
Stormy sea, oh stormy sea,
Why cant you calm down?

So many paths to sway onto,
options infinite.
Which will be delight, will be fun?

Pressure, to be pressured.
Like blood that cant find its way through our vains.
Feels so poisonous,
To be unable to say whats in our hearts.

Nothing makes sense, is it worth the pain?
To just live is so stupid, life looks so unreal.
With a purpose so far away, to live might be useless.
To feel or not to feel, ~ this life will never end,
it will only continue on different paths because its endless.

16-08-08

Stress Stress Stress,
When it doesn’t go the way we plan.
Close one door and try the next.

How painful perfection can be.
Feels good, though it almost prevents from breathing.

Head full of stress, Heart full of pain.

want to stop, will stop [ for a second].[Or maybe just for a minute]

Kurosagi.

This review will be different, compared with others.
Because to me this Jdrama is different than others.
I could get along quite well with the main char,
a lot of things made me think,
and most parts were recognizing for me.

“Friends eh,?”
“Its a real useful word”
“It doesn’t matter if you re-open old scars
because its a friend, you can be forgiven.”
“And as a good friend you can give advice”

To lean on friends is same as gambling. How long will your support be there until it fades and you drop. Friends are nice to have, nice to have general chit-chat with. Being so weak to lean on them is pathetic, because 99% of them will fade, because either your popularity or bank account dropped.

“That isn’t allowed. Definitely not allowed.”
“If everyone ignores the law and does whatever they want,
then this society would become a mess, right?”
“The law cant protect people”.

“Those guys would definitely not play to lose”.
“Compared to victims they feel a lot better”.
“That’s the kind of people they are”

“Are you still here..”
“Are you okay?”.
“Its none of your business”.
…
“If you’ve already experienced this,
why do you still continue?”
“I think,, that sadness is healed by time”.
“But if you continue like this,
your sadness will not heal”.
“You’ll only become more sad, right?”
“That kind of life… It’s too painful”.
…
“You said it before right,.. Are you happy?”.
…
“I don’t need to be happy,
I don’t need anything anymore.”

“Not friendship,
~not love,
~nor cheap sympathy”.
“So can you stop it..?”.

Those who understand our society and try to change it will all fail, forever. Because to change something, us humans, that is so deceased, can only be done by something divine, so believe.

Storyline: 9
Character detail: 8
Graphical content:7,5
Quote’s: 9
Relations: 8
Favorite Char: Kurosaki
Total Score: 8,3

***************************************************************************************

Sometimes love hurts,

Bitter Sweet, though it hurts, this is life. This is beautifull.
Grab on to whatever you have faith in.
(I didn’t make this, just found it, and loved it.)

Photo’s Artistic.

<-  Illusionary RainkasD

<-Moving Magic~

<- Wonderfull Widow.

<-DayDreamsz+

<- Crowded Clay)

~”Collateral Climax”

Zombie LoAn.

Enjoyed anime, was quite interesting. Death, life, zombie were the themes of the anime. It had his own style of humor concerning death. Characters were very detailed, the anime had 11 episodes, quite short but good enough to stay interesting. The depth of the anime was well done, quote’s that stay in ones mind. It had his sad moments and also his happy moment, nicely variated.
Storyline: 7
Character detail: 7,5
Graphical content: 6,5
Quote’s: 7,5
Relations: 6
Favorite Char: Shito.

Total score: 6,9

50 Things Girls should Know about Guys ;]

1. Guys hate sluts.

2. “Hey, are you busy?” or “Are you doing something?” ~ two phrases guys open with to stop from stammering on the phone.

3. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.

4. Before they call, guys try to plan out a little about what they’re gonna say so there aren’t awkward pauses, but once he’s on the phone he forgets it all and makes it up as he goes.

5. Guys go crazy over a girl’s smile.

6. Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him.

7. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest. Unless they’re goin for the let-her-complain-to-you-and-then-have-her-realize-how-wonderful-and-nice-you-are method.

8. A guy who likes you wants to be the only guy you talk to.

9. Boyfriends need to be reassured often that they’re still loved.

10. Don’t talk about your guy friends to your boyfriend.

11. Guys get jealous easily.

12. Guys are more emotional than they’d like people to think.

13. Giving a guy a hanging message like “You know what?!..uh…never
mind..” would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. And he’ll assume he did something wrong and he’ll obsess about it trying to figure it out.

14. Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like.

15. Guys hate asking parents for money to buy girls presents. So they come up with ideas like saving their lunch money for a week. But it never works because guys are always hungry so they end up asking the parents for money anyway.

16. Girls are guys’ weaknesses.

17. Guys are very open about themselves.

18. It’s good to test a guy first before you trust him. But don’t let him wait too long.

19. Your best friend, whom your boyfriend seeks help from about his problems with you may end up being admired by your boyfriend.

20. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don’t need to give advice.

21. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.

22. Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships.

23. Guys will brag about anything.

24. Guys use words like hot or cute to describe girls. We rarely use beautiful. If a guy uses that, he likes you.

25. Guys think WAY too much. One small thing a girl does, even if she doesn’t notice it can make the guy think about it for hours, trying to figure out what it meant.

26. Guys seek for advice from girls not other guys. Because most guys think alike, so if 1 guy’s confused, then we’re all confused.

27. Any guy could write out a rulebook or advice book for flirting, but no guy can write out a book about relationships.

28. Try to be as straightforward as possible.

29. A guy has to experience rejection, because if he’s too-good-never-been-busted, never been in love and hurt, he won’t be mature and grown up.

30. If the guy does something stupid in front of the girl, he will think about it for the next couple days or until the next time he spends time with the girl.

31. No matter how much guys talk about asses and boobs, personality is key.

32. Guys learn from experience not from the romance books that girls read and take as their basis of experience.

33. Guys worry about the thin line between being compassionate and being whipped.

34. If a guy looks unusually calm and laid back, he’s probably faking it and is spazzing inside.

35. When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl, he really is. Guys rarely say that.

36. When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he’s just actually saying, “Please come and listen to me.”

37. Guys don’t really have final decisions.

38. If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn’t happen that often, so when it does, you know something’s up.

39. If your best guy friend seems to avoid you or is never around when you’re with your boyfriend, he’s probably jealous and likes you.

40. When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he’s definitely thinking something.

41. Guys like femininity not feebleness.

42. Guys don’t like girls who punch harder than they do.

43. A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.

44. Don’t be a snob. Guys can be intimidated and give up easily.

45. Everything in moderation. Put on makeup, wear perfume. Just not too much.

46. Guys talk about girls more than girls talk about guys.

47. Guys hate rejection, but they hate being led on even more.

48. Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing but somehow are drawn even more to them.

49. A guy would give his left nut to be able to read a girl’s mind for a day.

50. No guy can handle all his problems by his own. He’s just too stubborn to admit it.

*PS: This was NOT made by me, I just happend to find it.*

Dears

DearS;
It was an ordinary comedy/romance anime, something like 100% ichigo and with the flavor of Chobits. At first I thought it might be a ‘Chobits’ rip-off, but there was quite a difference between the anime. It entertained me quite well, without getting bored.  Sometimes its a bit edgy (the female GTO-type teacher,xD). Though I recommend this anime, I would advice to watch it right after finishing Chobits, because it sometimes looks alike (the main character of this 1 is a bit more unfriendly than the 1 in Chobits; and a little more edgy as I mentioned). I personally think the last episode was the best, and made my opinion of the anime increase alot.
Favorite character: Xaki,
Favorite couple: Ren and Takeya
Overall rating: I think its worth a 7,5 (the 0,5 extra because of the last episode)

**********************************************************

Sayonara zetsubou sensei.

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei;
The anime is about an depressed teacher, who is teaching a class somewhat against his will, who is wanting to die but his cowardness saves him (“What If I died?~!). When I first saw a review on a site, the comments said it was a little like GTO and it was edgy also. I personally think GTO suited me a little better, because sometimes when watching I had breathing problems of the extensive laughing :p. A friend of mine had the same “problem” with this anime, so I think its a bit about personal taste. It has dry humor and on top of that its educational also(You get to know a lot of things like what a hikikomori is, there are a lot of things explained at the end of almost each episode). There were also subject handled in class about things one could relate to, I think that was cool. I really enjoyed the difference in characters in the anime, one very depressive, other o so positive, another sms “freak-a-leak”, and an Illegal immagrant (and a lot more) The little scenes after the ending song were nice also.
Favorite character; The Illegal Immigrant Tarou Maria Sekiutsu,
Favourite Couple: Kafuka Fuura & Zetsubou Sensei
(The positive and negative)
Overall Rating; 7,

**********************************************************

Today and Now.

Time moves so fast, though people try to pace up this eternal flowing river. As I walk through my days of working and studying for exams, I feel relaxed and not stressed.

I try my best at the exams and try to support them around me, taking their fears. Enjoy the time I spent in the bus to get to work, listening to music and watching down the streets. Soon I will leave this school behind me, the time I spent on it made me wiser and into what I am now.

I even met a teacher at this school, I felt like he had something like my grandfather. I never knew my grandfather, he died when I was young. (Other 1 is still alive but in Pakistan). He was always telling me to keep doing my homework, even hitting me xD. To not go after girls, to be a good gentlemen, I liked that. And when he once saw me doing something inappropriate, he came and told me what was up. He made me realize a thing or 2.

~He is 1 of the amazing people I will never forget.

Soon,, Soon enough it’ll be time, but till that time…
Live for the moment, not for the day.
Care for the loner, but not to stray.

~ 2005 ..?

This is me,
Torn apart, 2-faced, and determined.

I, seen as popular and got envied a lot,
No1 ever saw me, No1 every saw me as I fought.
They only saw the illusion I made, they’d just been caught.
As playing my role, I forgot,
What I was and what I became, through my own plot.

The real me, the grudged, forgotten 1 crying inside,
Never showing any emotions, still perfectionating for my own fight.
Everything faded, no reason to go hunting for a ray of light.

~ Goodbye.

Understanding is the halve of the job, doing it is the other part.
You never seemed confident of your intentions (towards me),
always going for a little 50 %. Just take it or leave it.

Since you are not able I will do this for you.

My choice is to leave you alone. Only thing I’ll be able to do is to hurt you more. Because the way you walk through life is not mine, and might never be, what you may experience as power only shows me signs of weakness.

The way I felt, no hands that could support me if I was falling.
No shoulders to lean on, because I must be strong.
Always misunderstood.

You say, “watashi wa shinjiru”, but I only saw sparkles of enlightenment & you could not keep it up. Where you choose to depend on others, I forced myself to walk alone, without stumbling.

The level im on right now, is not your level. I live solid, I live without hessitation, without regret. I lost precious ones in times you were not around & when I needed you the most,.. you never noticed.

While typing I feel afraid, I ask myself; wont I be lost…
but that doesn’t matter, because im a true believer,
faillure doesn’t fit me.

The time with you formed me up another level of consciousness.

I dont have any words left to tell you, take care of yourself,
become what you must, and if you’re able, forgive me.

Goodbye for now or goodbye forever.

~Arumina, DQ
 

CCP (Close Capped Power)

~ ”I cant win this fight”
~ “I cant fulfill my dreams of life”
~ “I cant ‘go on’ without you (I dont trust you)”

 ~> Is it really one cant do such things? Or is it better to say: ‘I wont’.

Male or Female, * Mentally*Powers the same.
~The power to trust the 1 you love, without Crossed feelings.~
~Do/Endure what you must, Enjoy whenever you can.
~ There is always an easier way,
  the more power you’re able to breach, the easier it gets~
~ Time can be manipulated by one,
  stop dragging burdens within yourself.

Inevitable reunion.

You, My friend and Foe.

You,
made me suffer, made me fall.
made me stumble, made me crawl.

Walked all over me like I was just trash,
Talking arrogantly to me to take a step back.

Tears wanting to show me grace,
Tears wanting to show me peace,
I refused.
~Kono me ni yakitsuita kimi wo wasure ha shinai.~

With the pain I beared inside,
I learned to walk once again, with a torn confidence.
I learned to stand tall, to measure myself with this eternal fence. 
~Ima mo.. imademo dareka no yasashi kotoba yori.~

I will not let you escape, I will see through you dont run.
As I will kill you if necessary, because we have something,..
that has to be done.
~Nigeru koto sae yurusarenai sekai de.~

My body holds more burdens than one can count,
 ~yet you will be in the need,
to use up all that lies within you to make me suffer without sound,
~even if its only for ones inner greed.

You, My friend and Foe.
Our reunion is inevitable,  must’ve felt it.
Ones power will be fed by the greed for more.
~Kimi to mouichido, waraiaeru sono hi made.~

¤”zettai wasurete janai, MM” ~ June, 2006¤

In love with you, my hater.

Although you hate me, although you despise me. 
loving you,  just cant stop loving you.

In a darkened light I stood, I watched over you,.
Shady shadows mingled all over my face, 
You hesitated, still waiting for a clue. 
By the time you started to leave I managed to lean on you. 

Eyes glowing up out of the darkness and you wonder
is he real, or just an illusion.
As you gazed at me with those eyes, full of distrust,
By the time I told you the number,
you were too far away to even murmur.

Easy Target

You think that I don’t know you,
but do you know who you are yourself?

They told you things that might’ve hurt you,
They might’ve tried to break you, they might’ve tried to take you.
It might’ve hurt, but ‘it’ would not be so beautifull without,
Once you understand the message you’ll be able to pass them far out.

Indecisive is your faillure, untill you overwin it.
You asked for advice, yet you cant bring it.
I might not know you, they might not, and yet you ask.
They can only give advice of what they know, clearly not about beneath your mask.

Answers one wants, can only be given by oneself.
Regretting once made decisions only make you weak,
The one you want to be, only keeps fading in whats left.
Keep searching for the answers you seek.

And find out what you want to be.

+ Acceptance is power for development +

Happyness

One may find sorrow in words others have said,
while not finding joy in the words, they just forget.

“Happyness is for those who grab and hold on to it,
  the courageous warriors within us”

Happyness would not feel so good, if there was no pain,
with no pain, this life would not be real.
Everyone struggles, and will eventually die, yes
The route has been walked billions of times,
Those who enjoyed walking are blessed.

“The power what has been given to us by nature is all equal, the mind blocks or boosts its natural flow”

Those who seek for the end, have forgotten a basic thought.
They have forgotten something important,
something that can’t be told.
“This world, we lived, we fought.”

“Baby’s are the most beautifull creatures on earth,
as they are purely free and happy”
Exactly the way we all could be if we just knew… 
If we just knew what to do,
do you know? do you really know and realise?

I am truly happy and truly free,
the people I wanted to have are with me,
their blessings, their guidance, their tears.

I live on, everyday, not waiting for the end,
as the time ticks, the sorrow will never overflow me,
because I chose that it wont, my loves are godsend.

Change in any way, do what you must, but don’t ever close your heart from the enlightment of love.

Happyness through courage,
                                                            courage through trust, 
 trust through friendship.

DQ, Learning and experiencing everyday.

This world is rotting because people forgot how to truly enjoy and love, they have started to love to hate others, it becomes worse everyday. The only way is to stop hating, and heal your innerself, and then spread.

” + = + ;  - = -”  The beginpoint always receives what it sends.
It begins with you.

Absolute love.

The future,.. None of us know for sure what it’ll bring,
 I dont know what it can or might bring,
But I know, I’ll never give up on the things I adore, the things I love.
I try not to think about the time that’ll be coming, good nor negative,

I live now, loving you and everyone with all that I got,
embracing the times that’d been hard,

Loving without boundries, without fears, without negativity.
Once consumed by hate, never dared to dream
about what’s happening now,
You & me once again together, without eyebrows been frown.

School

While writing this, Im trying to make up my mind what I want do to,
I know for certain that I want to do something economic referring to Asian countries, though..

But I’m not sure which kind of studies should I do ..

As I was certain for a while, that I wanted to do TMA,
but I’m now thinking that it would be too easy (not ment as arrogant).
As for I would want to do some sort of studies in Asian Economics,
but I would want to do it at an ‘master’ lvl and not on an ‘badgelor’ lvl.

hmmmm… I’m meeting up with an student of IFM next tuesday,
I hope his answers will help me a little.

logging out,

DQ»*¤

Harsh Truth.

Yes, Like Yagami said: ‘This world is rotten.’
As there are and have been a lot of revolutionists that have noticed it,
many have given their lives to try and unlock a revolution to stop this,
to stop this insanity, this fraud, this corruption.

Cho Seung-hui,  Pekka-Eric Auvinen and many more died.
They saw the truth & tried to change this world by force,
but they failed as they were trying to defeat hate with hate.

I too was lost in this spiral, Seeking for enlightenment in the dark.
The only solution I saw in that period, was elimination of the narrow minded, to bring justice and righteousness to this world by force.

Not seeing the foolishness of this perception, I was waiting for justice,
waiting for justice, while beeing prepared to see others die. 
I did not realised I was beeing torn by this inner grudge, this hate,
that resolved my heart, into nothing but sorrow to myself.

As I did not realised it till an Imam spoke to me and my family,
that we cannot become the great examples of islam,
if a grudge inside us, speaks to see death,  to see hatred.

Altough he spoke to all of us, It looked like he only spoke towards me.
It was as if a new door opened, a new way of thinking.
It all began to make sense, as I saw how I changed by hatred.

What I used to be and what I am now,
I will not be consumed by hatred once again.
This is how I fall and This is how I stand up,
This is how I pray and This is how I live up.

Dont fight hate with hate,..

DQ>|¤.

Childhood~

There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in. 

When you finally go back to your old hometown, you find it wasn’t the old home you missed but your childhood.

The greatest poem ever known
Is one all poets have outgrown:
The poetry, innate, untold,
Of being only four years old.

Childhood is a promise that is never kept.

If you carry your childhood with you, you never become older.

I’d give all wealth that years have piled,
The slow result of Life’s decay,
To be once more a little child
For one bright summer day.

What we remember from childhood we remember forever – permanent ghosts, stamped, inked, imprinted, eternally seen. 

¤^SD^¤

Lonely.

It’s been 17 year’s that i was born,
with the fate of making pass life without a female partner.
I, Murat have experienced a lot of horrible sorrow and happiness.
And when I was experiencing them I never had
a female partner to sooth my feelings.
Is it because of my look’s? Or is it because of my behaviour?
God knows…
Are the Sisters of Faith making me crumble like a stone in a desert
for some kind of reason,…..Please give me a reason! 
Will I finally meet her in this humble year of my life.

^SD^

¤Re-united

Ever since ‘it’ changed within me, the dream I had, the fear I beared.
You finished all of it in 1 slice, I did not understand, until now,.
Why..?
Why you made me fall, made me fall; even though..
even though you saw I was scared,.
Scared of the monster crawling all around me, trying to get me.
And when I fell, my whole body went numb. It took my breath away.

That time, I realised; that monster was me.
Even though I still not completely understand what it is,
I know it was ment to be a part of me.

(posts that hold an ¤ in their name, are memorizers for me,
It does not hold any value for any other.)

¤»DQ«¤
 

Sympathy

I wont show you any Sympathy,
Because you dont need it, you’re just wanting to feel comforted,
when I see you’re in pain, I see that look in your eyes,
wanting to be comforted,
That’s why I’ll only show you this coldness,
probably making you feel worse.

It might help, but when I’m gone,  and you have that look again,,
I wont be there to comfort you.
Those others will not show any sympathy,
they will just break you more and more.
It’s tough, when your feeling down,
wanting someone to understand you.

But,, this is just the beginning of this revolution,
you cant become this weak, this pathetic.
I wont be part of this, of this pathetic play.
You’re coming with me,..
even if I have to drag you all the way to the top.
I’ll make you stronger, probably sometimes making you feel like shit,
boiling the hate,,. the arrogance within you.

And I know,
In the end,

Its all gonna be ok.,

¤»DQ«¤